Chasing Rainbows
I don’t have one regret; I have many. But up until recently, one of those regrets turned into a moment of clarity. Like everyone else, I had expectations that were built from the fictional world. I believed in the typical idea of Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet. I was convinced that I would be the “it” girl one day. When I finally reached adulthood and found out what the world was really like, I was sorely disappointed. Being that I am a lesbian, you could say I was not let down to find out Prince Charming wasn’t coming. What disappointed me the most was friendships. You see it everywhere in the entertainment industry: the best friend, the trusty sidekick, and the partner in crime. At the end of the day, those friends would be there for you. In my case, none of them stuck around.
It started back in Hawai’i when I was still in high school. I just got my heart broken by an online girlfriend. I was a teenager, so it felt like the end of the world for me. Once my ex-girlfriend started dating men, I gave in to the peer pressure and forced myself to do the same. Being gay around that time simply didn’t exist especially in Hawai’i. I wasn’t just trapped in a closet; I was trapped on an island too.
As time went by, I dated one boy for one whole week. My friends applauded my normalcy to date a guy, but it was probably the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been. I remember holding his manly hands and instantly crying. Once that was over, it was back to being sad again. All of my friends didn’t know what to do with me. They believed that a man could fix me like them. Maybe I was still sad about my ex-girlfriend, but the real reason was much deeper than that.
I was depressed because I thought this was all my life was going to be. I would end up getting married to a man and have kids with him. All I saw in movies and TV shows were the occasional gay best friend; that was it. But here in Hawai’i? No, it does not exist. It wasn’t long until my friends left me. One, in particular, was my best friend; she, in a way, saved my life. She would stay up some nights and keep me from falling into the deep abyss. But one by one, each one of them left like some screwed-up domino effect. When everyone leaves you, who do you blame? The only person that I could blame was myself.
It must have been me. I must have been the problem. I was too sad. I was messed up. Those thoughts echoed in my head. For years, I was convinced that I deserved it. I deserved to be in pain. I was wrong. I didn’t deserve that. You can’t put a limit on pain. There are times when I wish I could tell my younger self that I should’ve taken my time with healing; don’t rush it. I was too caught up in wanting to be like my friends that I forgot who I was.
Once again, some time had passed. One year later, I had started to figure out that time does heal wounds. I didn’t see my friends for a long time. Although, I could still see that look that my best friend gave me when I last saw her. She never said a word, but her eyes were enough. A look of pure disgust. I wish I could say that was the last time, but it wasn’t.
I saw the look one day as I walked around town. My best friend and all my other friends were on the other side of the street. I stood there completely stunned. They were always together like they were a pack of wolves, and I was the lone wolf. They didn’t know how to be alone, but I sure as hell did. Eventually, they saw me, and I saw her. My best friend looked at me again and it was the exact same look as before: disgusted. I felt embarrassed; almost like I was ashamed to be alive. Then, they started to laugh. They started to run away from me and kept laughing hysterically. It was as if I was a joke, and my sexuality was the punchline.
Eventually, I decided to move away. I packed all of my things and left with no money. Was there a girl involved? Of course, there was. It was the same online girl from all those years ago. Here’s my advice: don’t move to the city to be with a girl. When that relationship didn’t work out, it was time to move back home. I didn’t have much of a choice because I didn’t realize how necessary it is to have money.
I was broke and heartbroken. But hey, this time I figured out that I am gay. It only took me twenty-one years. Once I came out, it was like I could breathe better. There was this heteronormative weight on my chest, and I just threw it out the door. And just like that, I was happy. All that time I spent being alone really paid off; I started to like it. I was happy because of me, and only me.
My happiness was put to the test when my good ole’ friends walked through the doors of my workplace. It was an island after all. I worked as a bartender at a restaurant. I had no idea that they had even walked in. I grabbed their drinks and walked over to them. Once I saw their table, time moved incredibly slow. My heart was pounding and their drinks on the tray shook. As always, they were in a pack. This time was different; they were in my territory.
My old best friend smiled at me; I was confused. She greeted me and continued the conversation with the rest of the table. I figured out that she had no idea who I was. I was pretty skinny when I was younger, and I didn’t hit puberty until I was twenty years old. I didn’t understand how she could be so nice to a stranger, yet be so cruel to me, a person that she was fairly close to. When I went back to the bar, I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was back in high school all over again. It felt strange to hear her say “hello” to me.
Once their meal was over, my old friends stood up and went to the bar. They looked in my direction and started to wave hello. I was startled by it; I wasn’t sure what to do. I looked behind me and realized they were waving hello to the cook behind me. When I turned back, I was greeted with a familiar look. The same look I had seen almost a decade ago. My past best friend glared at me in disgust. I could feel the grip of her stare trying to bring me down, but I was different. I wasn’t in the closet anymore. In fact, my girlfriend was at the bar already to pick me up. My co-workers around me were and still are the best friends I’ve ever had. This time it was my girlfriend and my friends that looked at my old best friend in disgust.
I wasn’t alone. For the first time, I didn’t feel alone either; that’s how my past friends made me feel. When she gave me that final staredown, it was a moment of closure. I do not need to repair those broken friendships. All those years of feeling like I was the problem suddenly drifted away. My past friends never looked out for me; they were always looking down on me. They looked at me and convinced themselves that I had never changed, but I did. They were the ones that didn’t change, and I didn’t need their approval anymore.
When they all walked out the door, I felt relieved. Sometimes no closure is closure; I figured out some people just refuse to change. I’m just happy that I did. I may still be broke, but my heart is fully intact. Because I learned to be by myself and be who I want to be, I feel at peace. If there was one thing I could tell my younger self, I would say this: sometimes people leave your life because they want to. When I was a kid, I always thought people leave your life because they moved away or have passed on. Now that I am older, I can’t tell you how many people have left my life because they wanted to; it’s a hard pill to swallow. I’ve grown to accept that there are people who aren’t meant to be in your life. If my high school friends had stayed in my life, I probably would’ve ended up living in the closet still chasing rainbows. Now that I’m out, I’m finally happy.
