When He Was Not For She

When He Was Not For She

It happened to many of us. As we watched Emma Watson’s moving speech to the UN last month, we found ourselves remembering times we felt marginalized. When we were impacted by gender inequality. When “he” was not for “she.”

Women are starting to share their stories. Earlier this year, the #YesAllWomen campaign raised awareness of sexism and misogyny, especially with respect to violence towards women. Women talked to friends about their situations, wrote blog posts, and composed tweets. A whole lot of them. In fact, within days of the first use of #YesAllWomen, the hashtag had been tweeted over a million times. Yet, you have to wonder how many women are keeping quiet, concerned about backlash, bullying, and maybe even personal safety. It’s an individual decision that every woman has to make herself.

Now we have Emma Watson’s speech and the new #HeForShe campaign. Her message is broader than #YesAllWomen, which was pressed into service primarily to discuss violence against women. Emma Watson’s message is about equal rights for women. It’s about equal pay. It’s about respect. It’s about feminism.

And because of her speech, I’ve decided to share a story about a time I felt marginalized. When the men I worked with did not step up to help me. When “he” was not for “she.”

Here goes.

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Thinking back on my career, I’ve gone on some truly fantastic offsite meetings. Back in the dot-com boom of the late 1990's, they seemed especially extravagant. And fun. My company rented out dozens of houses at a beachside community for team building, brought us to places like New Orleans and Disneyland to strategize on product roadmaps, and even flew us to Hawaii to celebrate the launch of a software product.

So, I didn’t think it was unusual when our CEO arranged for his staff of senior vice presidents to go to his vacation house for a few days for an offsite. Trips like this happened all the time.

The following year, however, was different. He held the offsite at his vacation house again, inviting not just the executives who reported directly to him, but also all the vice presidents at the company. Well, all the vice presidents except for me.

Imagine how I felt when my manager, one of the senior executives, cancelled his staff meeting for that week because of this offsite. When I realized everyone else on his staff was invited and not me.

Was I not invited because of my gender? No; the other female VPs were included. Was it because I wasn’t visible enough? Probably. Regardless, I felt like a second class citizen at that point. I remember one of my male colleagues saying that it wasn’t right that I wasn’t invited. I guess that made me feel better, but I really wished he had spoken up about it to our manager. That he had been for me.

The next year, the offsite was held again, and once again I was not invited. This time, however, I was not alone. Another female vice president had joined our team, and she also was excluded. We started calling each other “chopped liver” and “pond scum.” The humor helped us deal with the fact we felt marginalized and excluded.

However, we decided not to keep quiet this time. The day after the offsite, we set up a meeting with our manager. We wanted to know about the discussions and decisions that took place. We didn’t want to be handicapped because we weren’t there.

At this meeting, our manager was completely taken aback when we asked him to recap the offsite for us. Until we pointed it out, he hadn’t realized that we were the only vice presidents not invited. He tried to reassure us that it was an oversight, but he didn’t make us feel better, nor did we feel he would have advocated for us if he had known. At that point, we didn’t feel he was for she.

What happened the third year? Well, the CEO had resigned by that point, so his offsite didn’t happen.
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To the men out there, you can do better. Say yes to Emma Watson’s invitation. Actively promote and support the women in your lives and in your workplace. Speak up when you see inequities. If not you, then who? If not now, then when? #HeForShe