What long term relationships really take
I see a lot of nonsense in the online space about long term relationships.
People who have a lot of drama and shit posting perfect pictures and selling unattainable “love”.
No-one wants to tell you about the 4 day house move they just did where the most common question one partner (me) asked the other (Bob) was “why are you being a nob head right now?” every time they complained about their most recent stubbed finger.
Life isn’t all roses and luxury, even if that is what social media wants you to think.
And yes, there are only so many times you can be sympathetic to another stubbed finger before losing your rag.
Imagine a famous relationship coach telling you anything other than how it was all so magical and fluffy moving your entire fucking life 500 miles to another country.
Yeah well, we didn’t have ANY sex. And we did have to therapise each other several times when one of us had fallen to the floor in despair over the endless packing and unpacking of boxes.
He, Robert, Bobby, “The Big Mun”, took my bag of winter clothes and crushed them in a tip. Contained in it my favourite ever pair of expensive trousers that you can’t buy anymore.
You can bet your bottom quid that I did not communicate in an “NVC” way.
I told him he was a dick and he should immediately return and get them even if it meant losing a leg and that he should NEVER EVER throw away my things again. Ever. Ever Ever.
Even if I said that the bag was for the rubbish, I didn’t expect he was going to take it without me checking it first!
What on earth was he thinking?!
Yes, of course, I was most disappointed when he returned from said tip fully leg’d and trouser less.
The practice of letting go.
Then our cat pissed all over himself in the catbox in the front of the van less than an hour after we set off.
Do you think we were smiling at each other then?
I can tell you right now, the answer is NO.
I tend to become super militant in these situations, focussing only on resolving the issue at hand.
Bobby prefers to exclaim several times in a really loud way that implies Armageddon is nigh “Awwwwwwww Naaaawwwwwwwwwww”.
Which triggers my nervous system into panic mode and my first response is to minimise chaos by removing all threats.
This means pulling over at the next service station and dousing your piss covered cat with water and wiping him clean with Bobby’s favourite towel while he sanitises the cat box and van floor with his industrial level cleaning wipes.
My militancy then causes Bobby to feel even more stressed and react in panic and now we are both spiralling down towards the end of the fucking world.
Do you think we spent the ten hour journey playing kinky sex games and lovingly touching each others arms whispering words of affirmation into each others ears?
No. It was mostly scowls and eye rolls and the occasional cackle.
And guess what?
It was hilarious.
We really fucking adore and appreciate each other.
At the core there is kindness and love and compassion and tenderness and a deep desire for happiness and connection and freedom.
I saw this online dude who teaches mens workshops write a FB post declaring something along the lines of… “in relationships we all have inner wounded children and angry teenagers but the only parts we should ever have to deal with in adult relationships is the adult.”
Well no, actually I think that is utter bullshit.
That means the only person on the planet who can have a relationship to this guys standards is His Holiness The Dali Lama.
It’s just not realistic is it.
It’s just not.
To be fully integrated before we enter into relationship.
OR to have parts of ourselves shunned and shamed in relationship is even more deeply wounding.
“Conscious” communities get right on my nipple sometimes with their utter ignorance and self-righteousness of actual real human beings.
In my personal, and professional experience, I have seen over and over again that the deepest healing and most powerful transformation happens when we can hold and love each others wounded parts with the most profound tenderness and compassion.
When two people in a relationship are open to this level of healing, doors to intimacy and transcendence open in ways previously unimaginable.
It is through our relationships that we heal. Not in isolation.
And so yes, today you have a portal into the realness of my life and relationship.
Me and Bob are (very) far from the perfect couple.
But what is that anyway?
A plastic perfect unattainable unrealistic version of what?
Some fake shite where what you put out on instagram matters more than the realness you have with yourself and your partner?
I’ll take a bit of northern banter and deep loving commitment any day.
To love, in all it’s forms.
Cherish who and what matters most .