Loved and Lost

I was raised to be ahead of myself, to know my own worth. I was raised to be respectful to others but mostly to respect myself.

For twelve long years I watched my mother put herself last, and choose a man above her own health. I watched her fall apart, crash and burn to ashes behind auburn oak doors, and stain glass windows. I felt her pain through her words, her tears and her eyes. She loved her children, though she loved a man more.

In those twelve years I constantly reminded myself I would not be my mother. I would never love a man more than myself, and I would always take care of my own being before I let a man tear me down. If I were to choose love over myself it would be in the sight of my children or of my father.

I grew up as a hands on child. I couldn’t learn from watching or reading, I had to do things on my own. I like to blame this for my mistake. I didn’t learn by watching my mother, I didn’t learn by watching lifetime. I learned by breaking my own heart.

They say that you can’t possibly experience love while you’re young. There is no way a child could feel a connection or love another human through the binding of a soul. There is no way in hell a child could fall in love.

Through my eighteen years of life I have felt; hope, love, lust, loss, and I promise I have fallen in love. I’ve also fallen down stairs, walked into doors, tripped over my own feet, and found bruises I could not explain. I’ve been good at makeup for quite some time now.

I guess, it’s my own fault. My fathers hands were a blessing and a curse.

I’ve loved and loved but never loved myself enough. I loved myself just enough to love someone who used me. Without realizing what love actually was when it was directed towards yourself.

For three miserable, exhausting, lonely, and unforgettable years, I loved too much. I let a man disrespect me and break me down. I let a man lay his hands on me without hesitation and without turning a cheek. I let a man rip my bare soul completely out of my chest and still beg him for forgiveness. I loved a man who murdered my spirit and left me without sanity.

I broke my own heart for a man, who still broke me twice as hard.