One For my Mother

you were weak, and I never wanted to be anything like you.

I often walked past your room and heard you softly crying. Nights like these weren’t uncommon. You weren’t happy and I knew that. I knew you hated this suburban life we tried to make so perfect and pristine, when we knew it was all a lie. None of us were content.

We woke up and tried to throw a smile on our faces every single day, but for me…I never felt the edges of my mouth arch. Not once was I able to tell you a time I was truly happy in that house.

Although, I stayed strong. Not for me, but for you. I went to school and made straight A’s, again, for you. I always did the best I could in school, in sports, in art, in writing. Not for me but…for you. I made sure you always had something to talk about. I made sure you could showcase me as an award to anyone who asked. You’d tell them I was the perfect kid, who made the best grades, and worked their ass off on the field. I was your trophy. The only thing you could look at with a smile on your face that was authentic. Something you truly cared about and loved.

You didn’t care about money. You didn’t care about having a nice house, with a handsome husband you could greet at the door everyday and ask him how work went. You knew that wasn’t real. You knew the only thing you could rely on in your life was me. I was the only thing that would never leave. I was always there by your side because you owned me.

I never showed you that I cared. I never showed you that I loved you. You would occasionally come up to me and hold onto me real tight telling me you loved me. I would sigh and say, “love you too, now go away”.

I wish I could take all those back.

I wish I could go back and hug you and tell you how much you mean to me and that I love you to death.

I wish I could go back and wipe away your tears and tell you everything’s going to be okay.

I wish once I could have just done something different.

I took you for granted in the worst ways. I never saw you as a person. I just saw you as someone who was there. Someone who will always be there in the background not because they want to, but because they have to. My whole life I thought I was alone. But as I walk across this bridge into my unclear future I realize…I’m leaving the only person who was ever there for me. The only person who ever cared about me falling, and always wanted to help me up. And as I walk across this still unclear bridge