How to Greet Your New Alien Overlords
With the future on the horizon, it’s inevitable that one day soon we will be making first contact. Good news, if you’re alive to see it then our new guests have decided not to turn Earth into an alien day spa!

I know what you’re thinking, but no! This is no time for poster boards and glitter glue, Sharron! Our usual zesty pomp will only threaten the overlords. But no need to fear, simply commit this guide to memory.
1. Body Positioning
There is no doubt that these visitors/captors are far more powerful then any of us could ever hope to be. Do not attempt to fight the overlords. Our best hope of survival lies in full submission.
We have no way of knowing what will anger these earthbound gods, so we must simply maintain the most unthreatening and submissive position known to man. The gens up triangle.

It may strike you as a good idea to take up child’s pose, or even the fetal position. Do not contract your body into a ball as the aliens will see this as a threat of explosion or unauthorized discorporation, and they will destroy us all.
If you cannot maintain the gens up triangle, lay on your back with your fingers interlaced behind your head, and ankles crossed in “cool guy beach pose.”
Do not, under any circumstances assume the starfish/snow angel position, as this could signal a grabbing-attack, and they WILL destroy us all.
2. Communications
It has been long thought that the universal language of the universe is math. This is ignorant. Trying to speak to an alien using earth math would be like trying to explain 2+2 to someone who knows what trigonometry is.
Clearly, the language of all beings is memes. But not just any memes, so tread lightly.
Aliens have been watching us for centuries, gathering data from our most important historical documents: Cat videos and reruns of The Office.
It is important that in these early stages of communication we don’t bring up any pain points from our historical documents i.e. the last episode of Seinfeld or anything concerning Ross from Friends. They WILL find this unsettling and they WILL destroy us all!
3. Service With a Smile
Unfortunately, after a short period of consideration, the aliens will have changed their minds and will be turning earth into a day spa. But fear not, if you have followed the steps above, then you may be granted the opportunity to become an earth spa employee!
Whether you become a full-time mud wrapper or a part-time giant head masseuse, you’ll need to follow certain unspoken rules of customer service.
Although service with a smile has become an earth industry-standard, this is not a tradition amongst alien races. According to my sources, most aliens probably find our mouth orifice grossly unclean, due largely to our consumption of Doritos and kale. We are therefore in need of an alien solution. Mouth birds.

If you do not already have a trained mouth bird, I suggest you visit your local pet store and ask them what type of bird is best suited for your particular mouth. You might also consider adopting a rescue. Just because we have been overtaken doesn’t mean you should stop being mindful.
If you are not mindful, or you do not have a mouth bird, they will DESTROY us all!!
Remember: Submission, Meme, Mouth Bird
With the overtaking just around the corner, doesn’t it feel better just to know you’re prepared? Of course, we don’t know exactly when it will happen, so it’s best to stay alert at all times.
When the ship comes in, we will need to snap into action. Be sure to practice a quick drop into body positioning at least 3 to 7 times per day, and make sure to keep your mouth bird well fed and on your person at all times.
You can never be too ready for the end of life as we know it. All we can do is hope for the best and prepare ourselves for full spa assimilation. When the day comes, just take a deep breath, and remember that if you do something wrong, they will kill us all.
