Little Doses of Secret Excitement

RIK
RIK
Aug 31, 2018 · 2 min read
Photo illustration by Sara Cwynar (borrowed from NYTimes. com Magazine 2018/02/07)

(A True Account)

I’m carrying it with me all the time now — an alien presence just below and a little bit back from my rib cage. It is part of me now, we’re one.

At times, I feel it coil up tightly, constricting my chest and attempting to collapse me into our shared centre of gravity — a black hole of grief, pain and regret as I have NEVER experienced. Mum’s death came close, even Dad’s earlier leaving off from this planet — but those weren’t due to my choices.

She is out.

Just…

…Out!

Just…

…Done!

Just…

…Over it!

Just…

…Gone!

Her move out has been overdue for a while now. I betrayed her trust so many times. She stayed. She tried. She stressed. She cried.

Is there any reason she should stay? Is there any way she could stay? Promises and intentions are just not enough — this is something that we have both learnt from this experience.

I never REALLY understood how she felt every time it came to light that I had secretly marveled at that oh-so-modern social affliction — pornography. Oh, I certainly THOUGHT I understood what it must feel like for her. Oh, I understand all right, I understand that I just had NO FUCKING CLUE…!

Oh, I believed my promises, trust me — I believed every one of them. Retaking our vows? Great! Awesome! Yes, of course that will give me the inner strength to be the husband she needs me to be. A full pardon, clean slate? Splendid! Start over! Thank you, my Love for loving me so much that you give us this opportunity. Swell! Things are going swimmingly!

Until… Sneaky thought. That little tight feeling in my chest… can it really be all that bad? It’s just natural, after all. Surely it is! That’s how we are genetically wired, right? It’s OK. Yes, go on. Just a little bit of pleasure. Private time. A little bit of sexy. Life is busy. Maybe we’re going through a bit of a dry spell. It happens. I can have a look — things is so accepted in society now. Can it really be that bad? A little personal fumble never hurt anyone. I’ll do it this one last time and then I’ll bury it for ever.

Except…

It buried US!

RIK

RIK

An average struggler trying to make his way back from forgetting how to live life.

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