Stuff Famous Grave-robbed people would say if they were Alive Today.

“They did WHAT with my penis?! Stop singing ’I’m half the man I used to be’ and making shrinkage jokes, Josephine. It’s NOT funny.”

-Napoleon Bonaparte

“You did WHAT with my brain?! And then put it in a box and gave it to my WIFE?! What the hell kind of monster. Ah well, it’s more of a workout than my brain got when I was alive. Even before the syphilis, I was kind of a moron”

-Benito Mussolini

“Heth cuth outh ma thounge thoo? Whath th futh?”

-Philomela

“You caught my last breath in a tube? Hope it wasn’t one of Westinghouse’s. Did I at least get an Altoid first? I have a legacy to worry about. BTW, I don’t care what history says, Topsy the elephant and all those cats totally deserved it, and Tesla can go suck a faulty tank circuit.”

-Thomas Edison

“You did WHAT with my bones?! What the Ho Ho Hell. That is so not jolly. Lumps of coal for ALL of you creepy bastards this year.”

-St. Nicholas

“They took my ossicles (ear bones)? This is the first I’ve heard of it”

-Ludwig van Beethoven

“Dr. Abrams put my eyes in a bedside jar? I can see I should’ve Googled a better ophthalmologist. This is a dark matter, indeed.”

-Albert Einstein

“Ah! My brain, too? No matter. I’m still smarter than your politicians.”

-Albert Einstein

“Not my man bun! Ah well, I guess I needed a trim, and that CIA agent looked like he needed Hair Club anyway. Hey, where can I get one of those cool T-shirts of my face? Is Chebay a thing?”

-Che Guevara

“Haha, morons. You broke into my tomb expecting jewelry, and all you did was trigger a recording of Yakety Sax”

-Benny Hill

“ OM-Me. Did you not see Raiders of the Lost Ark? Do you know what happens to idiots who mess with my stuff? If you seriously thought the Shroud of Turin was real, I’d hope the threats of lightning bolts and face-melting would have deterred you from swiping it. You want a piece of me? Come get some.”

-Jesus

“They stole my corpse? Sweet. Even in death, the ladies still want me. Can y’all do me a favor and shave my Hitler mustache? In retrospect, that was a bad idea.”

-Charlie Chaplin

“Zoiks! I was stolen in California, and buried in Norway? That sounds like one hell of a story.”

-Casey Kasem

“Don’t cry for me, Argentina. The truth is, being hidden in that carpeted van wasn’t nearly as bad as being in that closet at the sewage treatment plant. p.s. I never left you. ”

-Eva Perón

“Cryo techs used my freaking head for batting practice??! Did they at least use proper batting stance? Otherwise I’m gonna so haunt your asses.”

-Ted Williams

“My heart??! How heartbreaki…er, distasteful. Mary loved it when I wore my sexy bare-chested poet shirts. Now I shall regretfully have to dress like that priggish bedswerver Lord Byron”.

-Percy Bysshe Shelley

“They cut off my finger? Well, that thief can sit and spin until he learns about Heliocentricity. I just hope it was the finger I used during the Inquisition. What’s Latin for ‘And still it extends’?”

-Galileo Galilei

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