So, today I could hear my roommate sobbing from her room. When we asked what was wrong her answer was simply “I dont feel well and I cant sleep”. But I know that’s not all. Yes, its cold season and having a cold makes sleep a bitch. But I’ve told the same lie; to others and to myself. I was in her place last year and its breaking my heart because I don’t know how to help besides to talk, which she doesn’t want.
Last year, my freshman year of university, I left home to live four hours away for eight months. It may not seem like a huge deal but for someone who has never been separated from her family for longer than a week… it was hell. I made incredible friends and had a great time but that doesn’t mean I didn’t struggle. I suffered from panic attacks and most often they were over nothing, no trigger, no warning, they just kind of started. I remember sitting in my Intro to Psychology class next to a friend I had met in the class and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I knew it was the onset of a panic attack, I had felt this way before. But before, I knew exactly why it was happening. This time, I had no clue. I only knew I couldn’t breathe quite right, I was warm and fidgety. I began to tremble and wondered if I could make it through my professors next three slides. I managed to but I don’t think I have ever walked out of a class and back to my residence so fast. It was almost like I had blacked out. I was suddenly in my bathroom, sitting with my back against the locked door. I was crying, uncontrollably. It only lasted about 10 minutes from there but I was embarrassed to go into the hallway with red, puffy eyes. I had walked into my room without even acknowledging my roommates, something I would never do unless something was really wrong. Right after I got into my bedroom I locked the door, anticipating my roommate would soon be back from her class. I put headphones in and searched for an app that would help with anxiety. I did, I listened to a meditating tape on it that had breathing patterns. Now, anytime I struggle I remember to breathe, but I also remind myself it is okay to not be okay.
Now I need to remind my roommate of that because that hell shouldn’t be suffered alone.