how to fart in public

tips from the sensei of cheese-cutting herself

I think I’m the master of cutting the cheese as thin and subtly as possible. Tip #1: The key is to know your fart. Does this need to be settled in the bathroom? I don’t wanna walk all the way to the bathroom, lose the fart on the way, then have to awkwardly pretend to have used the bathroom, and wait enough time before leaving. Let’s avoid that situation. You have to gage how much gas your fart will expel into the room. The goal is to get it at a whisper, that face-tightening, raising one cheek off the chair fart.

Tip #2: Check your surroundings before you fart. If you’re standing in a room with few people, DO NOT FART. Especially don’t fart in elevators. If you’re outside when it’s daylight, wear sunglasses. Nobody will suspect it was you. If you’re in a crowd, outside, fart all you want. Honestly. I love parties and crowded clubs because I can fart freely while I dance.

Tip #3: Know where the fart is going. If you’re standing, it’ll go anywhere and can be heard in the open air. If you’re sitting on a couch, what kind of couch is it? Leather can be noisy for farts. Fabricated couches or clothed sofas are ideal for hiding your farts — they muffle the sound AND you can adjust your sitting position to have your foot under your ass, subtly lifting one cheek up for you. If you’re sitting on a hard chair, that’s risky. The fart can bounce off the hard surface and sound stronger than it felt coming out.

Best bet? Couch or crowd. And if your significant other hears you fart and doesn’t complain, you’ve got yourself a keeper.

Know your farts, people.