emo(tional) rambles

there are days when i feel like a pebble in a stampede
unnoticed and certainly not noteworthy
yet even in all of my presumed insignificance 
i still find the time to nitpick at everything

my microscope never collects dust
brought out without hesitation 
the lens, which with, i inspect my many miscalculations

listed below is what this may look like on a daily basis:
1. spoke too much. words jumbled, presence messy like a shirt littered in crumbs.
2. spoke too little. nothing worth contributing. stuck to the wall like a weed.
3. didn’t even go. didn’t feel worth seeing.

“feeling gray”, are the only words that i can get myself to say
the bulk of my energy gone from me
emptier than empty 
yet filled to the brim with negativity

getting myself out of bed on these days is always interesting
floating through crowds self-consciously
feeling shades blander than those around me
(wondering if they notice)

but i’ve noticed only when alone, can i support my cruelty
when surrounded by others though
my mind has less room to act unruly

Ex: when at home, i am told awful things by my mind
she says to me, “you aren’t worth of anyone’s time” 
and while out and about she tries to whisper again to me 
but horns honked by giddy friends waving suggests differently

although there are days she has the resiliency to stay
i find if i ignore her voice long enough to allow myself to get out 
that i’ll find the strength to seize the day

spring air that lightly kisses my face
reminds me of sitting in bars, teary eyed, surrounded by friends
i hear a new voice now and she says,
“there will be an end to your sadness, always”