was this khaki pants review written by jim harbaugh?: an annotated investigation
The world of college football as we know it was shattered recently when John Harbaugh ratted his brother Jim out on his decision to start purchasing his signature khakis at Tommy Bahama and lululemon. Reeling from the news that Jim Harbaugh broke up with his beloved and loyal Wal-Mart khakis, and unsure whether lululemon even sells khakis, I decided to do some further research on the subject. And I not only learned that lululemon does make khakis, but I also discovered a goldmine of a review of said khakis, which may or may not be written by Jim Harbaugh.
There is some strong, but conflicting, evidence in the reviewer’s demographic information:
On first glance, this username seems to belong to someone named Dan — but there is nothing preventing a college football coach from using an unidentifiable pseudonym to write lululemon reviews. Such as, let’s say, a football coach who lives in Ann Arbor, is 53 years old, and would likely describe himself as a “sweaty generalist” even outside the context of a limited drop-down menu of sporty descriptors.
More compelling proof lies in the review itself, however:
I cannot find any evidence determining where Jim Harbaugh was on February 25, 2017, so it is not out of the realm of possibility that he was in front of his computer, writing enthusiastic reviews of khakis. Even if there were proof that he were otherwise occupied on this day, that would not decisively rule out the possibility that he somehow found the time and energy to write enthusiastic reviews of khakis.
Beyond this lack of an alibi, the first paragraph provides convincing evidence that “A2DAN” and Jim Harbaugh are one and the same. For example, “my wife and daughters.” Jim Harbaugh has a wife (for whom I have so many questions) and two daughters. He also, presumably, has “a friend at work” with a vested interest in getting him to wear pants that cost more than $8. Beyond these basic details, this reviewer also bought four pairs of the same pants in what seems to be a brief span of time. I do not know Jim Harbaugh personally — if I did, I would just ask him if he had written this review instead of participating in this absurd, Carrie Mathison-esque investigative report — but I feel confident that is something he would do.
The second paragraph complicates the case a bit, however. Based on his general behavior as a person in the world, I do not doubt that Harbaugh would use the word “bemoan” or that he would humblebrag about his ass looking great in his new pants. Furthermore, I am certain that he wears khakis for every one of the activities listed in that final sentence, including but not limited to “pretty much anything”. However, Harbaugh’s height is listed online as 6'3" and not 6'0", and cursory research turned up no proof that he participates in Crossfit — although I did uncover a substantial internet subculture of Crossfitters who love Jim Harbaugh quotations.
The final two paragraphs bring us firmly back inside Jim Harbaugh territory, however. Paragraph three provides unsolicited advice to lululemon, which again strikes me as a Strong Harbaugh Move. The fourth, while useless in terms of providing information about these pants, presents a timeline that tracks with the other Harbaugh’s account of his brother’s wardrobe updates. As such, my closing argument is as follows: This review was written by Jim Harbaugh, and the few conflicting details are a deliberate effort to throw readers off his trail. I refuse to reconsider this stance unless A2DAN can provide alternate proof of identity.
[NOTE: For a dramatic reading of this review that sounds like it was recorded in a tin submarine, please treat yourself to Episode 25 of It’s Handled.]
