Don’t Panic
Just always remember where your towel is…..
Normally I would start off by introducing myself, explaining a little about my life and giving you a general idea of how my mind works. But then again, I am not really normal so I will do that on a later date. Talking about yourself gets old and I have so many more interesting stories to tell.
Like my first experience flying. See I am human and as a human I was born on land, not sky or in the sea. Land. I guess out of habit I tend to like to keep my feet on the ground, so flying wasn’t something I was excited about. But life is short so, hell, I agreed. I flew from Baton Rouge to Nashville with a very small stop in Atlanta. I entered the airport prepared to be an adult and board that flight with the same intensity that I use when I tie my shoes. Sadly, as soon as I walked in I got confused. Story of my life. So I did what any normal person would do, I followed the crowd. Luckily, the crowd knew what they were doing and I found my check in. The lady was nice and extremely helpful, that is until she realized I didn’t have the 30 dollars needed to pay for my luggage, then she just seemed to be annoyed, as if I was a tiny bug that just kept coming around. I can only assume I wasn’t the first person to look at her in confusion when she requested payment.
Finally, with my unpaid bag checked in and my ticket in hand I followed the crowd to an extremely terrible machine that apparently looked at my insides. I am pretty sure it stole my soul or some brain cells in the process. Maybe I could sue them for that? I will try that one day! If they are so paranoid, they should just request people come naked. Would be easier and people wouldn't sue for loss of brain cells. Once the creepy machine cleared me, I followed the crowd again. I located my plane just in time to board it. Finding my seat, well, that was entire different adventure all it own. I realized that 26C was a crazy seat number and instantly became paranoid that I would some how get it wrong and sit in a seat that didn’t belong to me, a fight would break out, and I would have to Chuck Noris someone. Luckily the seats were numbered and the letter just indicated which side of the plane I was to sit on. Good thing, someone could have died if I didn’t figure this complex system out fast.
I sat next to a lady who I could only assume flies a lot because she had already made herself very comfy in her seat. I felt the need to introduce myself or at least shake her hand. I mean, if the plane crashes I would like to know the person I cling to like a monkey. Luckily for myself, she couldn't get comfy and decided to read instead. The ladies explained how to put on a seat belt and some other things that I tuned out mainly because it was annoying and I just could careless what they had to say. I focused more on the man two seats in front me who had the oddest hair line I ever seen and just couldn’t take my eyes off it. Next thing I know, the plane starts moving and slowing it lifts up into the sky. At that moment I realized I was flying and decided to put my earphones in and pretend that I was in fact, not flying. Then the plane did something I wasn’t expecting it made a huge noise and shook back and forth. Instantly I grabbed the seat in front of me in fear. The plane was crashing and it literally just took off. Just my luck!
At that moment I turned around looking for someone to advise me on how to survive the crash when I realized no one else seemed to be shaken up by the noise. I glanced at the lady next to me, my plane partner who I still haven’t introduced myself too, and she said, “ I guess this is your first time flying” ….. Two things crossed my mind, 1. The plane is crashing and everyone around me are idiots. 2. The plane is in fact not crashing and I am just glad I didn’t scream. The lady giggles and polietly explained that the noise I heard and the rocking back and forth was just the wheels of the plane being pulled into their cabin. I replied to this comment with a “ Oh. I guess this isn’t your first flight.” From then on, we were friends. She told me all about the flights she has taken and a bunch of other stuff that I don’t remember because in reality I will never see this woman again so why store all these facts about her for no reason. So about two hours later, I completely forgot about her.
But I survived. I made it though the pits of hell and came out on top! I went in confused and unsure, brain cells being stolen and came out a hero. A complete pro at flying. Something I don’t intend on doing again anytime soon. Next time, I am walking.
“ I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be.” -Douglas Adams
