Is your coach serving shame?

I cannot accurately count the number of times in the last year when a client of mine has shown up to a call, head held down, embarrassed to share what they’ve (not) accomplished since our last session. Even when they’ve been incredibly productive this feeling lingers.

Every single time it happens I’m confused because none of my clients are lacking ambition, talent or dedication, nor are they lazy.

Yet, somehow, they have been conditioned to feel guilty and ashamed if they don’t live up to some imaginary level of hustle which is only possible if one forgoes sleep, hobbies, relationships, bathing and meals.

Why do so many entrepreneurs fear they’ll get screamed at by a coach?

Maybe because so many coaches use shameful tactics and scream at their clients?

While I can’t say for sure what happens in private calls, watch clips of Gary Vee or Tony Robbins and you’ll see this style of communication modeled as what successful coaches do.

Sure, some people might “need” a figure of authority to scream motivational cliches while bragging about their own accomplishments but I prioritize the client’s well-being and our relationship above the attention-seeking behavior of another guru hustle shaming people for being normal.

I fully understand and see that coaches are meant to push their clients further than the status quo and learn to embrace discomfort, but I refuse to believe that shame accomplishes either goal.

Here are just a few of the situations clients have experienced in their “slow weeks” in business:

• the death of a family member and out of town funeral
• moving house
• an out of town trip
• a work event over the weekend
• physical injury requiring an emergency room visit

and that’s just the major ones that have come up.

Instead of guilt and shame there are 2 principles I reach for when it comes to clients who report they “haven’t done enough” in their business:

1. Empathy

If you’re not leading with empathy when someone expresses discouragement then it’s likely you care more about the bottom line than the person who is before you. Ask what’s going on, ask how they’re spending their time. Ask what’s a priority these days.

Very rarely do my clients experience a severe lack of motivation and it’s often the case that there’s underlying issues which need to be addressed. None of which are discovered by yelling at them.

Coaches like to complain that their clients “stop showing up” to do the work but infrequently do they examine what they may have contributed to a client suddenly being unwilling to share what’s going on.

Here’s the truth: I don’t always feel motivated, sometimes I need extra rest and I take the time off, I have been known to toss my own plan out the window and restart, I went 8 months last year without emailing my list, I’ve had great months and slow seasons, I’ve had team members quit, gotten sick, needed time to process the death of a family member, overworked and ended up exhausted.

I don’t accomplish everything on my to do list, why would I shame my clients for the same behavior?

2. Strategy

During those times when a client needs a shift, it’s usually a shift in strategy. How can we reach the same or similar outcome with different tactics?

Maybe it’s setting aside one day for video production instead of planning on a video a day for 2 weeks.

Perhaps instead of launching that group coaching program that will bring in $6,000 and require a load of content creation we shift to sell 2 more private client spots to make up that income.

At times, we need to embrace less is more and focus on the most impactful marketing strategy and let go of 80% of the fluff that never makes a difference — without any guilt!

You don’t even need to stretch as a coach to find these strategies, we use them all the time when creating a plan. What you do need to recognize is that not every strategy works as planned and often we need to pivot.

Clients should feel comfortable asking their coach for a pivot, for speaking up and saying “this isn’t feasible for me right now” and we as coaches need to listen.

But, but, but

I can just about hear the echo of backlash now.

But aren’t we supposed to push clients out of their comfort zone?

But don’t these excuses allow clients to stay stuck in their status quo?

But I’m known for being no-nonsense and getting the job done!

And to all that I say, bullshit. The clients who come to calls filled with guilt and shame over a rough week, unrealistic expectations or strategies that are not working are not lazy, stuck in one place or just need a push.

They are normal human beings who are struggling and blaming themselves and every ounce of energy they give to flagellation and regret is time they can’t give to getting back to the work they want to do.

If you have a client struggling with the general motivation that it takes the run a business then you have to consider if they’re truly ready for a change, if this time in their life is too busy for coaching, and if there’s another inhibiting factor, like severe depression.

For me it just comes down to caring about the well-being of the person over the results that we set out to achieve and working with someone who’s struggling will always trump being right and serving up shame.