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100 Things That Are Not a Substitute for Having a Personality

just a list of things that are fine to do but maybe they should not constitute your WHOLE personality, yeah?

wearing shorts to school every day, even in the dead of winter

using british slang as an american

subscribing to The New Yorker

hating people who subscribe to The New Yorker

preferring Target to Walmart

literally any political affiliation

having a dog

having a cat

having any pet, really, except a ferret, that’s honestly a whole personality in and of itself but honestly you guys that’s not a good thing

hating Apple Products

not owning an iPhone or only having purchased an iPhone recently because *eyeroll* well you really HAVE to nowadays, don’t you?

owning a home

owning a gun

owning a vitamix blender

being an alumnus of an Ivy League School

being an alumnus of a “new Ivy” that’s “basically an Ivy anyway” and “actually it’s more competitive for the program I was in which is crazy because no one talks about it, do they?”

“i’m a total introvert”

“i’m a total scorpio”

“i’m a toooooootal ESTJ.”

having a tattoo

desperately wanting a tattoo, but not being, like, ready?

feeling like SNL is not as good as it used to be

playing guitar

playing bass

playing drums

“yeah i’d consider myself to be a polymath.”

“yeah i’m studying engineering but i‘m also really into Led Zeppelin there’s just something about them that really connects even after all this time you know”

having an opinion on david foster wallace, any opinion, any opinion at all

using the website in literally any capacity

having been a member of a subculture at any point in your teen years or early 20s

“appreciating” wine

“appreciating” beer

“appreciating” whiskey

all of amateur mixology, really. just toss that in there come on we all know those people

having a large collection of gifs in a folder on your desktop

having NOTHING on your desktop AT ALL and DEMANDING everyone follow the SAME ORGANIZATIONAL PRINCIPLES

knowing every word to Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” and singing it on karaoke

knowing every word to “Don’t Stop Believin” and watching other people sing it on karaoke but refusing to do it because “what is this, a hotel bar in the suburbs? no thanks, man”

living in a large city

identifying with Liz Lemon

identifying with Ron Swanson

admiring or idealizing ANY AARON SORKIN PROTAGONIST

identifying with any fictional character or group of fictional characters

expressing an opinion on the popular use of the Oxford Comma in written discourse formal and informal

owning a copy of Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist

being a runner, not being able to go more than two days without a run, I don’t know, it just, doesn’t feel right?

“i’m the mom of the friendgroup”

“yeah i’m kind of a dad already, dad jokes, haha”

not carrying a checkbook

being smug about never carrying a bag



gyms of any kind

but also, being really into NOT going to the gym






something something “wearables”


high school sports

“It just really bothers me that America doesn’t play Football. No, no no. I mean the REAL football. Sorry: *does airquotes* soccer.”

doing airquotes

watching foreign films

hating modern art

being the “funny guy”


being good at singing. listen Jenna, no one cares if you’re a soprano

thinking that *takes a sip of IPA* “The WGA writers’ strike of 2007–2008 basically heralded in the modern era of Reality Television. It essentially diluted TV as we know it. This golden age of TV we are in? Imagine how much better it could have been if we didn’t have to suffer through the Kardashians.”

knowing every episode of Breaking Bad front and back

knowing a lot about different models of commercial aircraft


“i’m playing devil’s advocate here. i’m the guy who likes to make people think”


being into skiing. buddy. you’re just rich.

being rich


not having read Harry Potter

not watching Game of Thrones

watching Game of Thrones but having read the books a looooong time ago, okay? before the television rights were even optioned. and also? technically? in the show? they’re actually wyverns.

listening to Pod Save America

listening to Comedy Bang Bang

listening to This American Life

listening to literally any podcast

having a lot of tote bags

watching a lot of TED Talks

owning a truck

owning two trucks


“traditional values”



being really into pizza and talking about how you like pizza better than people on social media at least once a week

saying “I could never use one of those things, nothing compares to the weight of a real book in your hand, nothing is as good as turning a page and not knowing what comes next” every time your fellow commuter takes an ereader out of his or her bag

being a devoted fan of the television program “Rick and Morty”


“actually, I’m more of a tea person!”

feeling personally attacked by articles you read online

making an account to tell the author of the article that the article was “a waste of my time, why did you write this” or telling the author what they “forgot to put on the list”

being in a committed long-term relationship