An Agenda for This Weekend’s House Show

Thank you for your interest in this weekend’s festivities at Vomit Hostel

To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for your interest in the festivities this weekend at Vomit Hostel. This message is a confirmation that you have been added to the guest list for “Let’s Skank It Like Nasty Fucks (The $ummertimeBummertime Edition)” on the 21st of May, 2016.

Below, please find the details of the event, and cascade to all other persons in your party:

We are thrilled to announce the exciting line-up we have gathered for you. It includes dynamic, up-and-coming acts such as: a trio of insufferable men in bandanas complaining about ex-girlfriends; an untalented Brooklynite with a loop pedal, whose parents did not tell him “no” nearly enough when he was a child; and a doe-eyed, mild-mannered college RA who will be reciting 30 minutes of opinion-poetry on GMOs.

We’re also excited to welcome back into the audience several returning distinguished guests from our 2015 program, such as: those two crust punks you hate, and their terrible dog, Scabs, who has earned his name many times over on many different arms and legs.

Food will be provided in the form of a single bag of corn chips you will arrive too late to share, but you would not have been entitled to anyway, as they are reserved for the four mean friends of the show’s operators. Drink will be supplied in the form of sweat. (And tears, as Scabs the dog ruthlessly tears the bottom out of your purse, which was gifted to you by your beloved grandmother, and was truly the last thing you had left of her.)

Dress code is Coachella casual. Shirts are optional. Shoes are roundly discouraged.

Vomit Hostel is located your scenic local gentrifying student slum. The venue offers roof and porch access. Enjoy the glittering city sights (burning cars) sounds (rats copulating in the alley) and smells (too many to mention.) Parking is the behavior of suburbanites, who are not tolerated. The venue is accessible by a bus you have never taken, that never comes, and is always full. When you arrive, please come around the back door, knock three times, and be willing to provide name, photo ID, and a small unblemished yuppie for blood sacrifice. If the door is locked and no one answers, but you can hear live music coming from downstairs and peals of laughter from the porch, the show has been cancelled and you should go home and not take it too personally.

Vomit Hostel is an inclusive, safe space for all college-educated sociology majors. We potentially look forward to seeing you this weekend.

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