what the hell do i even say to this face

please add to the list of stock phrases i say to dogs

i only have a finite number of things i say to dogs. is it a weird manifestation of social anxiety? regardless, please help me come up with some additional things to say to dogs; it think they are growing bored of me. sorted by categories for convenience. please suggest additional categories where necessary

regarding identity

  1. “dog.”
  2. “you are a dog.”
  3. “are you a dog?”
  4. “is it a dog?”
  5. “yes it is a dog.”
  6. “i know what you are: a dog.”

regarding the things a dog must endure

  1. “it must be so hard to be a dog.”
  2. “it must be so busy being a dog.”

regarding whatever is in the dog’s mouth at the time or wherever the dog is putting its tongue

  1. “is that good?”
  2. “is that a good thing to have in your mouth?”
  3. “does it taste good?”
  4. “is that the good stuff?”
  5. “is that good for dogs?”
  6. “is that a good thing for a dog to eat?”

regarding whatever i am eating, esp. if the dog is watching me eating it

  1. “no this is for me.”
  2. “this is not for you.”
  3. “this is not good for you.”
  4. “this is not good for dogs.”
  5. “this is not a good thing for a dog.”
  6. “it wouldn’t even satisfy you.”
  7. “i know what you want. this is not it.”
  8. “it’s actually not good, i’m eating this so you don’t have to.”

regarding the dog’s genetic heritage

  1. “you are descended from wolves.”
  2. “i cannot believe you are descended from wolves.”

regarding the dog making intense eye contact with me as it takes a shit

  1. “aaaaah, noooo!”

regarding the dog being excitable and running and jumping

  1. “shush, dog.”
  2. “hush, dog.”
  3. “what’s the rush, dog?”

regarding the dog’s barking

  1. *just bark right on back*