Please Purchase Our Normal Family Home
Our normal family of humans is thrilled to give you a tour of our sprawling estate
“Hello, friend!” Or should I say — “Howdy.” We are Texans, normal Texans, looking to sell our sprawling home. It has five bedrooms and five-and-a-half bath, good for a family with plenty of room to grow.
It is a well and good place to live, not cursed at all and full of average things. Our listing’s not been up for very long, but this neighborhood has the lowest crime rate in Fort Bend County, and the local schools are just fantastic.
It’s bound to sell quickly.
Perhaps to you?!
Oh! We are so excited to give you a tour! Please do allow us a moment to come down to the gate and greet you.
Hello, here I am. Yes, me, yoo-hoo.
I’m Todd, I’ll be your guide. Unfortunately I cannot pass the gate to greet you. I actually cannot pass the gate at all!!! Haha!!! I’m only kidding!!! I can absolutely pass the gate and I am not bound to this soil in any way. It’s just that I would prefer you come to my side, because after all it’s the house I am giving you a tour of, not the drive!!!
Let me just type in the code. Ah, hmm, there we go!! Please ignore the screeching noise the gate makes as it grinds open. The hinges are rusty. This gate is old.
What? Oh, yes, you’re right. Yes, the house WAS built in 2000, but the gate…. this gate has always been here. Since before there were gates — since before there were people…
PAH! Memories… did I mention the local schools?
Please follow me into the front doors to the grand foyer!
The Grand Foyer
Welcome, welcome! Make yourself at home! Do you feel at home yet? I hope you do.
This is the grand foyer. We are people of some eclectic taste, haha. Brother Dear is an artist, you see. He uses mixed media to make some of his paintings, which we proud siblings put on display — see to the right.
I apologize for the mess on the stairs. The Little Ones are always leaving their Wellies. I have told them time and again to remove their Wellies from the stair but they like to have them close at hand for rat-stomping and crushing the dry bones in the basement.
Oh, never you mind.
And on the left, some family photos. There’s Gertrude turned away from the portraitist, a pretty white bow in her hair. Above her is Dour James just a few years ago.
This photo of Dour James was cut out from his High School Yearbook. He was president of the Programming Club.
Oh, that? That’s nothing. Just nothing at all. Please don’t think too hard on it — AH, HELLO! THERE’S BROTHER DEAR NOW!
HELLO BROTHER DEAR!
Don’t take it personally if he does not answer.
He’s not much one for talking.
Come, let’s go on to the living room.
The Living Room
What’s that smell in the air? Pine and fresh snow and chestnuts roasting… Why it’s Christmas!
Don’t be bamboozled by the palms. It’s always Christmas here at our normal family home. Why, there’s Gertrude, trimming the tree now!
Please, do not interrupt her. She must hang ornaments all day today. All day every day. She must never stop.
The Family Room
There used to be so much blood in this room…. so… much…. blood…. ah…
Have a look at this beauty of a kitchen! Sprawling island, exposed brick, room for 6 barstools.
Looks like Old Earl Hamcook’s slinging some grub right now. Won’t you like something to eat? Earl, you’ve made our guests something to eat, haven’t you?
Yes, he has.
Yes, you can eat some. Nah, we don’t mind.
Eat it, won’t you?
Pa’s eating it, and he loves it.
Aint you, Pa?
Here we are in the Study! A beautiful oasis for quiet contemplation.
Lavinia contemplates right now. Oh, she’s upside down because she’s chosen to be! She’s not watching us, no. She is not the Eyes that see us. Hahahaha, what?
God Bless Texas!
The Dining Room
There’s mother now!
She saw you didn’t get a bite to eat.
Or did you?
She simply cannot believe how famished you must be.
Or are you?
Here is our Christian Family Shrine to the Christian Christ. He is our god and savior. He sacrificed his hands and feet to the mouth of the Beast that we might dine on flesh of his Children.
Have we mentioned yet? There’s tons of Churches in Richmond to choose from.
PLEASE FREE US
PURCHASE THIS HOUSE OR THE CURSE SHALL NEVER BE BROKEN