A Simple Trap: Victoria’s Secret

You know its really funny, the ways of the world.

My “meal plan” as of right now is one in which I have to gain. I have been going through a relapse for a few months now, and my weight has not been in a healthy range. So each day I have what I enjoy calling a “power shake” — 1 cup Haagen Dazs or Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and 1 Ensure plus, along with mix-ins that add to the yumminess and to the calories.

Anyways, I happened to be finishing my shake while I scrolled through Facebook. I was rolling through the article links and videos and pictures of people I didn’t even recognize when an add for the Victoria’s Secret Swim Clearance sale popped up.

Now — Victoria and I have a limited relationship. Pre-ED, I went in her doors maybe once or twice for some bras or when dragged through it by my friends, but mainly for her over-priced lip gloss and gifts for my friends that were obsessed with her adorable undies that screamed PINK at you. I was indifferent to the shiny and sparkly world of her bras and panties. I guess I thought them overrated considering I was fifteen.

Now, I really would rather not go inside Victoria’s Secret. As beautiful and sexy the lingerie is, its not a healthy environment for me, a girl with body image issues. I don’t recommend it to any girl with an eating disorder. Her walls are covered in raunchy photos of half-naked and half-starved looking models that, in an odd way, I feel are trying to come to life, crawl out of the photos, and strangle me in over-priced thong underwear and bombshell bras. Deep down I know that those girls are hardly real, and are nothing anyone needs to aspire to be, but for one dazzling moment, you feel like maybe you can try on something black and lacy and look like them. That is the simple trap — To try on something in hopes of looking like one of those 5'9 and 102.5 lb models and look like a rockstar. Its all lies. It doesn’t matter how much I restrict and how thin I become, I will never be a VS model. That is an unattainable goal. The unflattering florescent light of their fitting rooms will crush your dreams every time.

So, in the wonderful ways of the world, I was finishing a delicious 900+ calorie shake when BAM! There were the VS models, laid out in the wet sand, yelling at me to click the ad. Now I told you I had a limited relationship with VS — its mostly limited to swimwear… I do admit, they have cute bathing suits (when they’re 70% off). So I perused the website looking for something super cute and super cheap.

…And then the thoughts arrive. The same thoughts that convinced me to start restricting food again. The thoughts that drove me to blow 2 hospitalizations and a great deal of pain up in smoke.

Why don’t you look like that?

God her body is perfect…

You could never be that kind of perfection. You are worthless, and all those shakes you are drinking are gonna make you a fat-ass. Don’t even bother buying a bikini, no one wants to see you in one anyway.

But somehow, I ignored them. I managed to ignore the frighteningly cruel words and all the destruction they bring with them. I managed to ignore feeling as if I was going to explode from fullness due to my shake. I managed to buy a swimsuit marked down to 9.99$, and even picture myself at a healthy weight rocking that bathing suit. Its the moments like those, when I sit trying to fight through the war in my own head, that I realize I am getting stronger. Simply by choosing not to throw the rest of the shake away and lie — not only to my mom but ultimately to myself, for the thousandth time — I am choosing myself over the ED. So, choose you.

And even though I purchased a bathing suit for 9.99$, I still think Victoria’s Secret is over-rated.

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