Kellye Rowland
Nov 4 · 1 min read

I wish I was where you are. I am struggling at the moment. Yesterday I wanted my old standby, an extra cold Tito’s martini like I haven’t in a long, long time. I quit drinking in December of 2017 so I’m at almost 2 years now and this feeling really depressed me. But then I had to ask myself what is it that I’m feeling that I want to not feel anymore and it was pretty obvious (I’m an actor and the show I was in, the last performance of the run was yesterday and I am sad and feel adrift like I always do after a show ends), but I still struggled hard with the desire. This is the first time I’ve performed on stage since I quit drinking so though I’ve been an actor my whole life, this is essentially a new experience. I didn’t think I’d have this strong of a feeling this far along in my journey, but on the other hand, fuck if I don’t have 30+ years of “drinking = life” to unravel, too. Feeling all these feelings is so hard sometimes without anything to cut them. But, I am still sober and putting one foot in front of the other. Guess I’m still just a babe in this process, after the decades of hard partying that I put in. I need to be kinder and more gentle with myself, I’ve just realized. The default is berating and bashing myself though. Hmm. Thanks for giving me the place to articulate this, I feel a bit better already. ❤

    Kellye Rowland

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    “Every view is a partial view” ~Nagarjuna. West coast transplant on the east coast livin’ the actor life in NYC. Progressive, lover of cats, & Rachel Maddow.