That Bitch on Weight Watchers

Sooooooo, yeah. I go to my Weight Watchers meeting every damn Monday evening. I stand in line and await my fate. Did I lose this week? Will I be happy when I get off the scale? Or, will I have the “walk of shame” scowl from a gain?
Lately, it has been the scowl. Mentally, it isn’t like I didn’t know the scale was going to be up. The french fries with my Quarter Pounder with cheese didn’t just jump on my body. I made the conscious decision to put that crap in my mouth. I physically picked up the burger and the fries and lifted them to my lips. I knew what I was doing and I knew that weigh-in was approaching and I knew that eating that particular food was not going to be kind to me. It never has been in the past, why would it be so now? So, why did I do it? I guess for the same reason why I do anything………habit.
Sometimes I feel like my going to Weight Watcher meetings has become just that, a habit. I go every week, sit in the same spot, talk to some of the same people. Has Weight Watchers become one of my “habits” or is it still the catalyst I was looking for to help me achieve a goal I started with, but has lost its way over time? Have I become complacent? Am I just going through the motions?
On a deeper level, what is it about myself that keeps me from achieving goals in general? Is it laziness? Is there something missing in my circuitry that keeps me from reaching my dream? Am I not strong enough to overcome obstacles? Am I Pavlov’s dog, I see tasty food and I automatically run towards it? Was I raised to think that I wasn’t capable of following through on projects? Did someone tell me that I wasn’t good enough to be thin, smart, pretty, etc? Am I not spiritual enough? Was I a skinny bitch in a previous life and now I am paying the price for being judgmental toward fat people? Maybe I haven’t read the right self-help book. Am I praying to the wrong God? Didn’t I vote for the correct person in the last election? WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? If God is trying to teach me a lesson, I AM NOT GETTING IT!
Why do I keep doing something that isn’t working for me? The simple answer is……….I know it works. Just because it isn’t technically working for me right now, doesn’t mean Weight Watchers is a failed system. Seven years ago, I lost 69 pounds working the program like it was a damn religion. I tracked, I drank what felt like a gallon of water a day, I exercised…….I did it all! I was so frigging focused back then. Over time, I fell back to old habits and gained. That is on me, not Weight Watchers.
I got arrogant and thought I knew it all. Heck, anyone can do Weight Watchers if they know how to calculate points, right? Nah, Weight Watchers is soooooo much more than knowing how to calculate points. Yes, there is that damn scale that keeps me accountable, but it is also my leader who has been through everything and more that I am going through. There are the receptionists who greet me with a smile, no matter how bad I feel for my decisions. There are the other people in the meeting who are fighting the same battle I am. This is soooo much more than just a number on a scale.
So, what am I going to do about it? I am going to swallow (no pun intended) this program and let it ooze out of my pores again. I know what to do. It isn’t rocket science. I am going to get my focus back and work every damn minute of every damn day toward my goal.
You?
