What People Really Mean

I’d like to start a series called “What People Are Really Saying.” I suppose the format would be writing because I’m not good for much else. Although, if someone wants to make a funny video adaptation I would be more than game to write the scripts. Maybe if there is enough interest we could get some overenthusiastic silicon valley tech founder to make an app or product. Perhaps a collar that you wear which interprets anything you say and produces the real meaning.

For example, when someone says “You have to go to college” the app would beep from your pocket or the collar would emit a shrill whistle and emit the truth. In a pleasing feminine robotic voice it would say, “If you don’t go to college you’ll actually have to prove your value in creative ways, and that sounds difficult.”

This new technology might be slightly embarrassing at first, but so was making small talk with an Uber driver in the beginning.

The database of truth will require dedicated research and interpreters. I cannot go this route alone. I need people who are familiar in the dialect of those who speak in the language of ‘oughtabe’. You probably know of the type who speak this language as their native tongue. They’re the ones who can go around explaining how everything ought to be in grandiose terms. They clearly have no problems and can see society’s woes from on high. You might catch one saying something like “We just need more equality” or “Nobody needs that much.”

Which loosely translated by our app would read “Everyone should recognize my magnanimity” or “If I can’t have that much nobody deserves it.”
So if you, or anybody you know speaks the language of the chosen ones from on high, please contact me. We’ve got work to do.