The Day You Thought Your Life Didn’t Matter

Caitlin wanted to be pretty. She thought she was pretty, but did not know for certain. Sure, friends of hers would be so kind as to tell her she was, but they were her friends; what did they know? Her affirmation for having any semblance of attraction to the opposite sex came straight from the source, boys. If a boy told her she was pretty, that must mean it were true, and such confirmation would cause for her heart to rejoice. This meant the absolute world to her. She knew her thought process could be argued as vain or insecure. However, she disagreed. That just simply was not the case. Caitlin had other values too, of course. Her vanity just happened to take the forefront of them all. It didn’t matter anyways, she thought, because once a boy loved her, really, truly loved her, she would know for sure that she was pretty, and therefore, her appearance would no longer consume her as it has. It would be then that she would get her priorities straight.

Her boyfriend, Evan, and her recently broken things off for reasons having to do with himself that he could not convey fully to her. She figured this would happen, and so she was in no way appalled. She had seen this coming. How could he love her with that ugly face of hers, anyways? Then again, he could hardly compare so maybe she should be ashamed. Just following their breakup, contradictly, they went on a date that happened to be the greatest of their entire relationship. They went out for the first time in a long time. They had the best sex of either of their lives. They made plans for a next time. This only confused thing between them though, and would cause for some complications further down the line.

It was May 23rd, and Caitlin was feeling particularly insecure that day. She could not take the misery and self-loathing that encumbered her any longer. It was nearly 10 pm and she hadn’t smiled once yet that day. So to put a little pep back in her step, she walked over to the school that both her and Evan attended, because she knew he had a class that ran as late as it was. On the off chance that she were to run into him, she would play it off casually, as if it had occurred entirely by coincidence. She would propose a slumber party of sorts, because how could he, a male being, be opposed to such a thing? This, she was sure, would do the trick of refilling her worth. She was aware that to do such an act to fill a void only had a solution whose lasting powers were temporary, but these days, she would take what she could get. She stood to the side of the school’s front door, cigarette in hand, with a demeanor that might have her mistaken as someone with an actual purpose for being there at the time that she was. The big, red door to the front of the building swung open, and Caitlin’s classmates spilled out from the inside. In an effort to maintain her look of purpose before the building, she gathered round with her fellow smokers to chat them up as they lit up. Within the mass crowd that initially exited, Caitlin had not seen Evan. So she kept a watchful eye on the door as the people who had not exited with the herd that had before, stepped out every so often, each became more and more of a tease. Onto cigarette number two, the conversation she had initiated died off. Onto the next conversation, her so-called “friends” disincluded her, turning their backs her direction. She couldn’t believe it, she wanted to tell herself she was misinterpreting the situation somehow, but she knew better. They were icing her out. This could not be, for what if Evan were to see?

Before Caitlin could even hide her lonesome self, that now looked obvious for the true reasoning behind her presence, a flash of red struck her. The flash of red came as a result of the doorway opening, and following it was another flash this time coming from atop Evan’s head, belonging to the red baseball cap he always wore. Beside him was a person of female form. She was a pretty girl that was a sight for sore eyes. The two of them wandered off side by side, hand in hand. To see where they might be headed, Caitlin walked out to the middle of the sidewalk. She never had to hide, she had then realized, for even as she stood in plain sight, him and that girl were just too preoccupied. Her hands dangled at her sides as she bared witness to them reaching the end of the block, then turning right. What was left of her cigarette fell from between her fingers. She could not resist running after to see if they had — and they did. Caitlin watched as the pair descended the subway steps of the four and five train that was headed uptown, which was in the direction of Evan’s place to reside. It was in this moment that Caitlin wished away her life. She was not pretty, therefore he could not love her like he would that other girl who was in fact beauteous, to say the least. And as if to top things off, she wasn’t even likable to her peers. She was without a friend to depend on and much less anyone to want to take part in her life. She did not matter to anyone that mattered to her. This made it so she no longer mattered to herself causing for her to briefly contemplate the idea of suicide. Mascara streaked either side of her face, which smeared even more so and worse off as she made an attempt to wipe it away. This caused for her to look a mess, not that she had it within her to care any longer. Feeling completely and utterly worthless, Caitlin trudged her way home, defeated by the universe for the hundredth time.

Really, though, the lesson the universe had in mind was something that never occurred to her, but should have by heartbreak number five. What had not registered with her yet was that she was lustful for something she did not understand. She did not comprehend how someone could desire her or admire anything that she did. She had no concept of what she could mean to someone else. She could not imagine someone looking at her lips and holding back the overwhelming urge to kiss them. She could not imagine how anyone could think of her in their down time when the world has elements much more worthy of pondering. She could not grasp her beauty. She could not fathom her significance. Her problem with love was she would expect for someone to let her love, but not for her to be loved. She would give herself away, because just simply another’s acceptance of such was her way of validating herself. What Caitlin so desperately needed to realize was that it was ultimately up to her to define her worth, not the judgement within passersbyers eyes.