My Golden Retriever Puppy

Kelly Whelan
Sep 4, 2018 · 6 min read
Seems perfect, and not quite perfect for me.

I take care of dogs whose families go away for extended periods of time for a living. I recently got a text from a broker I am contracted with, asking me to move in with a 10 week old Golden Retriever puppy living in downtown San Diego for 3 weeks, at the end of September to mid-October, for a new client. I am her first choice for the job. Lucrative in pay and cuteness, I am surprised when my gut swiftly and sternly said NO, despite my calendar being open for the specified dates.

Taking the gig would require me to come alone, because at just over 10 weeks, this puppy would not yet be fully vaccinated, so it would not be safe for her to be exposed to other dogs. This means my dog Noodle would not be able to sleep at the house with me, nor would I be able to bring the puppy out with me to mingle with my daily dog squad. Not only that, it would mean that since Noodle would have to stay with friends, I would not be sleeping with, and rarely seeing, my own dog for nearly 7 weeks, since I have travel plans scheduled immediately before and after this gig.

So, while it could be a yes, there would be a lot of adjustments and dog mom guilt if I did take it. There are so many right things about it, but the timing is off. I see this as the perfect client for me, but not at this particular time.

Despite all this I can’t bring myself to fully commit to no. I set aside my clear intuition and list of solid reasons and request she asks a few other sitters and if no one else is able to, I’d happily do it! I reason that it must be meant for me if no one else is readily available.

A few hours go by. I am sitting outside sipping a pint of beer while staring at the moon, when suddenly doubt creeps in. It’s a GOLDEN RETRIEVER PUPPY!! Why on earth aren’t I screaming yes!? It’s like the puppy of all puppies. Like, look up puppy in the dictionary and it’s probably a soft, fluffy golden retriever puppy and I’m being offered money to hang out with her while living in a cool downtown high-rise for 3 whole weeks. Hello, dream come true. Why is it not a FUCK YES!?

I text the broker for a status update.

Any takers? Because upon rethinking the request, I want the job!

The reply is,

It was JUST filled.

I say,

Tell them your first choice is in fact available and give it to me!

I don’t feel guilty about this.

I can’t, is the reply. She switched her schedule to make it work.

I say,

What if we split it, she takes September, I take October.

I wait with bated breath for a full two minutes for a response.

YES is the reply. I respond with a series of praise emojis. I am pleased with myself! Take THAT faulty intuition. It wasn’t a no after all. It feels like a good compromise. 2 weeks instead of 3, a break between when I return from my trip and when I start this petsit, so I can spend solid quality time with Noodle.

The next day, the clients cancel the job entirely. They’re taking the dog with them. I laugh. Oh. I see. My intuition was not, and NEVER is, faulty. It just has a vantage point I don’t.

A few days later I am driving in my car feeling particularly happy, when a thought drops into my head:

RJ is my golden puppy.

RJ is a man I met recently that struck my fancy and gave me goosebumps and permagrin from the moment he said hello. We were instantly smitten. Kissing him, being in his arms, and listening to him talk, soon became my new favorite pastime. Things ended as swiftly as they began when two weeks into our romance he sends me a text that says in order to move forward he needs to have sex with me. We had talked about it before and he had been dry humping me since the night we met, so I wasn’t surprised to hear this.

But, like the puppy, although this guy seemed perfect for me in many ways, my gut feeling had told me no. I wasn’t ready to have sex with him. In the past, I have had relationships that came from “sex first, decide what we are later” but now my beliefs about what sex is have shifted and I hold the act of sharing my body with someone very sacred.

Although I am not yet ready for commitment with him either, I respond saying if I’m having sex with you, I’m committed to you, and I expect the same from you. He essentially said I need to have sex in order to get close to someone to know if I want commitment, and I said I need to feel close to someone to know if I want to be committed to them in order to have sex. In other words, we have different modus operandi.

I say,

It sounds like we’re on different pages right now.

He immediately replied,

Ok, best of luck to you darling. Goodbye.

I am shocked at his abrupt ending and quickly respond, You too. Bye. I go from feeling the utmost self confidence in honoring myself and how I feel, to days later texting him a large paragraph essentially saying, I like you. Isn’t there somewhere between sex immediately and never speaking again where we could live?

I get no reply. Feeling horny and lonely one night two weeks after that, I text him asking how he’s been and invite him over for night swimming and poolside sex. Again I get NOTHING in response.

Ugh.

I had felt empowered in the moment of sending my honest request for his company and his dick — I have the right to change my mind, damn it! But upon receiving no response, I then shift to feeling like I have abandoned myself and what I actually want. Why, when I am being ignored do I now think, “ok fine I’ll sleep with you. What’s the big deal?”

My behavior fascinates me. As I get time and distance from the text I sent, having deleted it and his number the next morning, I feel it was my last ditch effort to see him because I felt utterly not in control of the situation. Would I have slept with him? We will never know.

When the thought, “RJ is my golden puppy” appears in my head, I immediately get it. At 24, he is 14 years my junior. His desires currently are different than mine. “Fuck away, babe!” I want to say to him. Whoever, whenever. I get it and I, myself, crave a deeper love and connection. I learned to articulate that from our brief affair. He’s not for me now, and I’ve lived enough life to know never say never. In any event, my intuition knew that first night that it wasn’t in my best interest to fuck him immediately. And my doubt that led me to renege my stance, was that faulty belief asking, “what if it doesn’t get better than this?” It’s a scarcity mentality and it’s bogus.

That’s the wrong question. I had asked that same question about the golden puppy, “what if it doesn’t get any better than this?” And really, after all that hoopla, the client cancelled. That gig wasn’t gonna be mine. RJ wasn’t gonna be mine. Like the puppy, RJ could be a yes, but there would have to be a lot of adjustments for me to make it work, and even then there’s no guarantees. Why not just stay open for the EASY ones to show up. The ones that are meant for me. Because they always do show up.

The REAL question to ask myself when I doubt my intuition: “What if this is meant for me?” Because the answer will always be, “then it will be yours, my dear.” It won’t matter what I say or how I act; if it’s meant for me, it’ll be mine. I can’t get it wrong.

I have now learned that if my intuition says no, then I accept it is a no without justification. If intuition says YES, then I accept it is a yes, for now, appreciate it in the moment and know there’s no promise that it is a yes forever. As ever-evolving beings, that’s the beauty of this life. Yes’s sometimes evolve into no’s. And no’s sometimes become yes’s. All I need to do is trust it and know everything is always working out for me. And I do.

Written by

I write stories that move people when they read them, and move me as I write them because they’re about my experience of life. Autobiography & dogs are my jam.

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