Will it ever come back?

These days I don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel good about myself or the things that I do. I look at myself in the mirror. I’m not satisfied. In fact, I’m disgusted. I hate what I see. I think about my life and who I am and I hate it. I have so many thoughts throughout my pointless days. More thoughts than usual. Probably because I have nothing to do — nothing to look forward to. I hate my point in life right now. I feel stuck. lonely. gross. uncomfortable in my own skin. To be completely honest right now, I feel like I’m wasting away. My thoughts are lazy and hazy. Ambition low and feelings empty. I got no where to be, no where to belong. Stuck in this absolute boredom and loneliness. I want to be doing something with my life. Making money or studying. Smoking away with my friends. Drinking and puking everything inside of me — the toxins, alcohol, food, feelings, emotions, ambitions — absolutely everything. I keep having this thought of starting completely fresh. This lust for something new. This lust for something different. This lust for starting over. As if, if I were to get a second chance I would do something different that time around. Let’s be real, if I were to get a second chance, nothing would be different unless I was a completely different person. I am me. Nothing will change that. I know this information yet, I still lust everyday to be someone else — to live someone else’s life. Honestly hate myself. I truly do. I’m sloppy and lazy. I really got zero ambition. My life is a joke. My feelings are so fickle and contradicting. I want someone but I don’t want to let anyone in. I miss him but I don’t want to be with him. I want to change myself yet I don’t do anything to bring upon this change. I want so many things — I really do — but I don’t do anything at all. I long to be apart of something. I want to be apart of some sort of club or association or job or internship. I just want to belong to something. I suck at doing nothing. I want to be so busy that I barely have time for myself. I think I work best when it’s like that. Don’t have time to be caught in my feelings all day long. I need to do something. I need to get my drive back. Looking back, I was so motivated and driven as a high schooler. I had one goal in mind since I was fourteen years old: to get into college. I wanted to leave and accomplish great things. I wanted to do something and be someone. Yet, I’ve accomplished my goal but it’s not exactly what I imagined it to be. I’m empty. I’m lonely. I’m scared of absolutely everything. I seriously suck at obtaining relationships. I’m awkward. The past four years of my life were filled with raw ambition and naivety. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know failure. I didn’t know fear. I’m completely amazed at how driven and focused I was. If Fourteen-Year-Old-Kelly met Eighteen-Year-Old-Kelly, she would be so awfully and bitterly disappointed. They’re complete strangers now. Complete opposites. I have know idea who I am. I mean, to be fair, I never knew who I was. But now I’m even more lost. I just don’t understand. Aren’t you suppose to gain self-awareness with age? I just keep getting more lost and confused. I’ve always hated myself, but now I can’t stand myself. I am the worst person I know. Last night, Daniel told me that I need to love myself. How can I expect someone to love me when I can’t even love myself? He told me that I need to stop chasing after people, instead let the right guy find me. He told me that I need to stop dwelling in the past. Focus on the future. Keep my head up. And he’s right. I just don’t know how to love myself. I’m the most self-centered person I know, how can I love myself even more? This year has been… I don’t even know. Hard. Hazy. I don’t know. This year, I’ve felt the most emptiest than I have ever felt in my entire life. As far as my love life concerns, this year has been the worst for me romantically. Can’t seem to find someone who’s willing to be in a real, committed relationship with me except Jorge. I’ve kissed a lot of guys this year. Everyone out here searching for fake love — temporary fulfillment. Everyone just wants to hook-up — nothing real. Skip the conversation and go straight to bed. This year, this daunting thought came to me: will I ever find a real relationship again? I know this is so dramatic and shit. But I actually thought of this seriously. Let me explain. Before I came to college, I never had sex. I wasn’t introduced to this fast-paced style yet. I was still blinded with innocence. I was with my first love. But as I got out of that haze, I became slowly aware of my new surroundings. I’ve been with other guys since my first. And the one thing I’ve realized that is that from this point on, I’ll never really have a slow-paced relationship. No longer innocent. Nothing really new anymore. No one wants that anyways. Everyone just wants to fuck and leave. No emotions attached. No commitment. No one wants to be left. Everyone wants to be the one to leave. I don’t know if I can do this. After the end of my first year, I realized that I want the next person I have sex with to be someone I’m in a committed relationship with. I’m not ready for fucking without feelings. I know this probably isn’t going to happen because Alix but fuck it. And I don’t necessarily want to be in a relationship right now. I don’t want to chase anything. I really need to focus on myself. Improve myself for the right person. No need to rush. I mean I can’t help feeling alone when I see couples and shit but I need to be alone for the time being. It’s been almost a good year since I’ve been in a real relationship. Been with a couple of guys since then. It’s been an eventful year. And I’m honestly terrified as to whats to come in the next 5–6 months. It’s honestly up to me. I need to get my drive back. I need to find purpose to life again. I need to become hopeful again. Will it ever come back?