Thank you for Hurting Me

7 Steps for Healing from Pain through Gratitude

I recently took the time to thank the man who abused me. No, not directly. He does not know I have but it happened. Why would I do this?

Peace.

That is the simple answer for why I chose to entertain the notion of paying homage to the man who turned my world upside-down.

I understood that forgiveness was the answer to my misery and distress after trauma. The example of domestic violence is the best for me to use because it is a drastic kind of pain that is life altering. The urge to resist acceptance is powerful and often debilitating. The dilemma of fear for the concept you know will heal you is a frustrating one.

These 7 steps can be applied to any kind of level of pain inflicted on us, from any person, at any point in our history. The identification of any suffering that isn’t serving us is a valid concern.

It starts with intention to change.

The most important thing to remember during the whole process is to stay safe! The thankyou does not have to be literal in the sense that your abuser or antagonist knows you did it. If your in a situation where communication with an individual will put your or another person’s life in danger then do not initiate contact of any kind! This is a spiritual solution that does not require direct communication.

So where do you begin?

1. Just say it

It was another domestic violence survivor who introduced me to the statement “Thank you for hurting me." The way she confidently stated her position amazed me. The concept intrigued me. Her joy for the idea moved me. I wanted what she had.

If you aren’t moved, don’t give up. Try just saying the words. Speak them, write them, yell them, draw a picture--Anything to test the theory. Remember, you are not contracting to any kind of concept; you are simply surrendering your pain.

It’s ok if you don’t mean it

Honesty is always the best policy. If you still aren’t buying it then don’t claim to. Stay focused on your original intention of being healed from suffering until something makes sense.

2. Wait as long as you have to

I knew I needed to practice acceptance in order to gain forgiveness. For about two years before my encounter with this woman I stayed stuck in this knowledge.

My own opposition to practicing suggestions was my only barrier to change. It was my open-mindedness in the moment when I heard my magic words that saved me.

It’s possible that the words that struck me will not affect you the same way. The fact that you are reading this article, however, indicates a step in the right direction. Stay open-minded to concepts and try to absorb as much as you can from this article and other people with similar experiences.

Be cautious of resentment and anger

Waiting can be a dangerous game. The trick to playing it safe is remaining self-aware. Resentment and anger are the biggest villains in a process towards forgiveness. If you find yourself fixated on painful events and revenge schemes, resentment is holding you back from progress. Obsession over could-ofs, should-ofs, and would-ofs, is a toxic ploy to exercise anger. It’s a natural part of processing emotion but it still must be stopped to move forward to progress.

3. Revisit the idea often

It took years after I left my abuser for me to find this inspiration and grasp onto hope for my desperate situation. After the speech, I still meditated on the phrase for days before I did anything about it. I continued turning to my source of hope until it inspired action.

The willingness to honor my original intention to surrender my pain is what kept me motivated.

Repeat a phrase in your head, write a phrase on your mirror, free write about it, paint a picture of what the idea feels like--nothing can hurt. Independent processing is important but asking for help is a must.

Process with others

How can you trust a life changing concept if you don’t practice trust? Trust can be a touchy subject. A common theme in negative core belief systems is caution to not trust.

You will reach a place at the end of this process where you have to have trust in your conclusion in order to have absolute peace. Practicing the spiritual principle of trust by sharing your process with a therapist, mentor, friend, or family you are comfortable with is a great transition point. Also, the input of others can offer reassurance and help you see something you may have missed. This will prove useful when trying to…

4. Find the gift

Ok breath, you are going to be ok!

This is an unpopular idea but it is crucial. This is the precipice of change--Say bye bandaid!

Are you ready?

Something good resulted from your pain. It is imperative to your happiness that you figure out what that is.

I can not tell you or even possibly indicate what your gift was because I didn’t experience what you did. I can only share a description of the present I recieved from my encounter with pain.

I was awarded self-worth. Rather, awareness into my own self-worth. My experience with domestic violence brought me to the realization that I did not deserve what was happening to me. This brought upon a tolerance for treatment and internal demand for better. My boundary implied that I was deserving of better. I was worthy. It was the realization of worth that I could be grateful for. I had never declared myself as worthy of anything good before that point. At least not from a place of such empowerment and strength that I remember it. Refer to my letter to my abuser at the bottom of this article for more insight.

5. Write a letter

Wow! Break through is exciting! Now make it permanent.

Proper upkeep always involves an inventory. The best version of that in a situation calling for forgiveness is a letter. The best way to start is to just write it. We all know how a letter starts… Write “Dear” and go from there

Remember, the antagonist to your pain does not have to ever see the letter. Infact, I would highly suggest entertaining the idea of never showing them.

Don’t hesitate. Whatever comes out is what needed to come out.

Give your antagonist the good things you want for yourself

Yes, your process is unique, but there is an ideal goal for the letter. Positivity breeds from positivity.

Ever hear of praying for your enemies? There enlies our goal. Express well wishes to your antagonist. I was not expecting to do this when I sat down to write my letter, but it happened. I was surprised at my own written words. Refer to my letter below to see the process unfold.

What was really shocking was that I meant what I said. It was a true miracle of the process. It is normal to be skeptical, but build on that trust and try it. Unconditional love is a powerful virtue, beautiful things unfold from it’s practice.

6. Share your letter

Vunerbility is uncomfortable but look how far you have come. You survived pain, tackled it head-on, and healed. Cement your process with more courage and trust.

Keep practicing open-mindedness! The first benefit of sharing your process with others comes with the feedback! Are they proud? Good, believe you are worth it! Do they think you held something back? That is ok, this is just an opportunity for more growth. That is fine, what matters is that you tried. Staying open-minded will ease frustration and be the onset for the courage to keep trying.

Share your experience

Sharing is also caring. Utilizing your experience as a means to benefit others is the best way to pay it forward and keep healing. I promise that someone needs to hear your story! Never stop speaking on your experience.

7. Appreciate your progress

You are healing from tragedy… so now what? It feels foreign to feel at ease with what happened to you. Acceptance is awkward. Yes, you have acceptance and that is ok!

Reward yourself. Self-care, new purchase, a trip, whatever reward means to you. ***

Ouch, but….

No stop!

Acceptance does not mean what happened was ok.

Hurting others on purpose is wrong. Nobody is claiming it’s not, including you. We also aren’t offering justifications for abuse and miss treatment.

The balancing act between the serenity for your situation and understanding that it was not allowable by nature is the delicate act of forgiveness.

Yes, it was supposed to be an article just on gratitude, but if it stopped there we would have missed the point. Gratitude is helpful but we aren’t spiritual beings just striving to give thanks. Humans are seeking balance between self, world, and others. There is no better way to practice higher-self balance then teeter-tottering with acceptance and forgiveness.

So what happens in the center of that balance?

Peace. May you find it now.

This article is not advice on how to escape a hostile or violent situation. If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence please call the national domestic violence hotline at:

1-800-799-7233

My Letter to my Abuser:

Dear ***,

I want to thank you for hurting me.

Through all the fear, pain, paranoia, and despair I learned a very important lesson about myself. I was able to reach inside myself and recognize my own worth. This was important brand of worth because it was assigned to me by me. Your attempts to tear apart my ideals and image of myself built a deeper understanding of me inside me. My conclusion was that I am a beautiful person. Although I make mistakes, I deserve love, understanding, safety, security, and forgiveness. I believe everyone deserves these things; including you. I wish you find all of those things in the course of your life. I give you those things from my person from this distance.

The gift of self-identified worth and tolerance for treatment is unprecedented. The strength I built inside myself to survive your power is the most courage I’ve ever seen myself display. I remember in the days after I left you I felt like super woman.

I am beautiful, I am courageous, I am determined, I am resourceful, I am smart, I am careful, I am resilient, I am independent, I am worth it.

I could’ve never fully understood these things so deeply in my soul if it wasn’t for you.

So thank you for hurting me.

Love,

Your Doll

Kelsey