Walking on a bridge.
I have no idea where any of this is going. I have no idea where my life is going and the only thought that I just had was “the only thing I can do is write.”
I’m walking down this bridge and thinking what if I did jump. Off?
And the wind is blowing my hair and I am wondering if I am me or if I am someone else
And honestly what is the point.
What is the point?
Where is this all going?
LIKE ACTUALLY
Where is everything going…
What is the point?
TO get married to have kids to do something…to see a tree. To feel the grass…what is the point.
And I kept thinking that and thinking maybe its to do art, maybe its to improve myself…but even then what is the point..and if I died and I just go back to spirit whatever that is then maybe what does it matter.
And I’m questioning and questioning me and comparing me and thinking
‘Kelsey you should be better by now.’
At that moment its just about maybe there is no better and all I want is to see everyone be sad that Im gone, to know they cared.
Its about Sam now.
And then Im feeling oh god its the same deal over and over again.
I put the glass of wine on the wood.
And I asked…whoever the fuck is out there..I asked please tell me what the point is.
I am sitting in Sea Change getting wine.
And Reading pn my phone about retrograde individuals, about having a bunch of retrograde planets in your/my natal chart.
Then Jamie Haag. Now going by James walks up to me and I start screaming and smiling really big and
I haven’t seen him in 10 years, and he comes up to me and sits down with me like its no big deal and his friend sits down with me like its no big deal, like I’ve been friends with them for a long time. And then I see…thats it.
Looking in his eyes and feeling what it is like to laugh with another person.
Im thinking what can I get from him and then I learn he’s married. And thats okay
But the eyes and looking in my eyes and I feel the warmth.
I feel that there is something warm between all three of us, and I know this must be the point.
This right there.
Feeling someone next to me, smiling with someone this must be the point.
And he didn’t have to say hi to me.
I was bent over my phone not wanting to speak to anyone. Not wanting to see anyone. And he saw me.
Is that spirit?
Yes the voice in my head says.
And I’m trying to figure out how to write how to write that is me and I’m trying to figure out how to dance and let everyone watch.
I want everyone to watch.
I am sticking out of my eyes and they are running unto the page and I am running around and screaming and dancing and screaming and dancing and screaming and dancing, and wondering is this what it is all about?
“So what do you do?”
“I am an artist…a performer.”
And in my room. In my room with my parents I am sitting across from Nora in the polaroid looking at me.
I know that there needs to be reminders.
There can only be reminders. To get up to keep going. To get up to keep going. No choice.
Do or die.
Thats what that you told me…do or die.
And I’m thinking about Jessica/seeing Jessica. In my room on 668 Roscoe looking in my eyes, laying next to me. Working on acting with me. Loving me. Loving me.
“Have you felt unconditional love?”
Have you felt unconditional love?
How do I do it Jessica?
How do I do it?
How do I keep going. I do I keep this going and see things beyond what they are…to see beyond where I am.
I am wondering is it about finding a happy thought because to be honest I just want to feel this pain right now.
Am I better?
And then I am on the bridge again and feeling that I don’t look like anyone else. That when I look at people they look back and think wow, why is she looking at me like that…who is she?
“I’ve never met anyone like you Kelsey.”
So what does that mean?
Laura told me I had no ego.
Dylan told me he wanted to marry me.
Sam said he never connected with anyone like me before.
And here I am typing trying to figure out how to see myself…how to see what I feel and how to figure out how to take what I see and put it on the page.
I am watching the waterfall and the way it comes down and feel the way it comes down.
I see myself falling into the water.
And that I would leave my purse out on bridge I wouldn’t go into the water with my purse.
That thought is interesting to me.
Then later I think…I definitely would want to jump listening to “don’t fear the reaper.”
Ive only been writing for 11 minutes but it feels so much longer.
And I don’t think Sam will call me and it makes me feel like Dylan all over agin, and I am embarrassed. But there isn’t anything but feeling it..
Mom and Dad are downstairs.
I remember being a senior and high school and I hope to god that I am not disappointing her. 17 year old me.
Thats why I shrink I need to work I need to develop I need to write I need to write.
I drank two glasses of wine tonight. I am tired.
And I want to be held, and kissed.
I want to feel hands on my head. I want to feel love.
Maybe the only love. The love I have.
My one true love is writing. Is this.
Is this
Is this moment.
“This is going to be a very symbolic life for your soul. A lot of symbolic events.”
It all feels like so much. So much.
I have sun in Apollo. I have a line on my palm which means I’m creative.
God can all this be real.
I am writing and ai ma breathing and I am thinking
Thinking about what I am writing and I wish I could share it.
Oh god.
Oh god
I am thinking about Sam and how I want to share it
I want to share it
And oh god
Is this wrong?
