Software Engineer Cheat Sheet
Sarah Cooper

( This post is humor, sort of )

Funny … and, of course, that’s what it’s supposed to be … but, let me — as a developer — fix some (most) of these statements. The same way we always must fix every statement from every person who works in tech but doesn’t know what they’re talking about …

Here is the complete original list of quotes … with fixed responses when necessary:

“It’s a non-trivial amount of work” = I understand what you’re asking for and that you think it’s something very easy to accomplish, but it’s not … and I know you’re going to inflate your expectations or change them randomly regarding this feature in the future … so I’m going to pad expectations now.

“This is a temporary solution” = This is a permanent solution because I will never be given the time necessary to create or implement an actual solution and you won’t care because it’ll work “for now”.

“I’ll be finished by Monday” = I won’t tell you which Monday, because I know that if I give you a realistic timeline you’re going to suffer a brain hemmorage.

“That’s funny” = I literally hate you

“Do you want it done fast or do you want it done right?” = It will be neither, because you will choose fast … because that’s all you care about … and then expand scope and expectations in nonsensical ways.

“Just file a bug” = I have no idea what you’re saying right now and neither does anyone else who understands this stuff. Do you go home and eat crayons?

“That’s an expansion of scope” = You have already peppered me with so many new features and functionalities that were not previously planned due to your complete lack of understanding of how programming works that I’m finally going to push back on this one.

“We can’t test that” = We can but we won’t because if we did, the project would take more time than you want it to take and it’s easier for me to ship bad product than deal with your onry ass.

“I’ll just put it behind a flag for now” = It will never ship because you will never decide exactly what you want out of the feature.

“I fixed the bug” = It started working again and I have no idea why because this code is so full of quick-fixes and spaghetti code that you will never let us go back and fix that it’s amazing the thing runs at all.

“I can’t realistically estimate that” = YOU don’t know how estimates work and I don’t want to subject myself to your self-righteous judgements.

“I don’t think users will care about that” = Are you a complete moron? Do you even own a computer or mobile phone?

“This is an Alpha release” = We have features that will make the project look pretty and make you excited, but there is A LOT of work to be done and no, it doesn’t work yet.

“This is a Beta release” = We can put this software in front of the customer, but it doesn’t have all the ridiculous bells and whistles you want and the customer isn’t going to care about.

“Let’s phase 2 that” = I’m hoping you’ll forget about it … forever … because you’re an idiot.

“We are focusing on high priority fixes only” = The “bugs” you are reporting aren’t bugs … and are stupid. And if you had any concept of how to use technology, you never would have experienced such a bug in the first place.

“We have a lot of technical debt” = You continue to push us too far forward too fast by demanding temporary fixes and quick hacks with promises that we’ll go back and make it right later … but then never let us go back and make it right later. We are about to rebel.

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