Heart beating at 190 bpm… my hands clutch the shift, the minute I let go of the clutch and put my right foot on the gas, this will be the farthest I’ve gone alone with a standard car. I reverse out, onto the streets, success! My heart doesn’t stop beating at this speed.

What did it take? A final decision to do it? The fear of driving the car alone and screwing up and not knowing what to do was probably the main reason I never did. But tonight, I closed my eyes, and jumped against my fears, and what do you know? I made it to the other side.

*Car stalls when stopping*

But I don’t panic the way I did before. The world is in slow motion right now. Nothing but me and this new elation I have found in succeeding in something I have been battling for so long.

*Car starts up again and I’m cruising*.

When the nights done, I drop off my friend, and continue cruising for at least another hour. Testing my skills. Flaunting this new found courage to my brain. Yes, I finally defied your logic for once. It’s times like this my mind is sunk into a water of zen. No thoughts. Just feeling. Feeling of happiness. Nothing is going through my mind but me and my car. For once, I feel merged to the car. It’s tires are my legs and I am in full control. My brain, defeated by the irrational sense of courage and the heart, has relaxed. No over thinking, no thoughts about the past or future. Just the music from the speakers, entering my ears. It’s moments like this I realize that some things are better when they aren’t thought out. Sometimes life doesn’t need a plan.

*Car hits a stop light on a hill*

Thank God there’s no cars behind me. But I release the clutch and hit the engine pretty well, hey I’m getting better. Life has no worries, at least right now, well besides the whole driving thing, but that’s minimal when placed besides the constant planning my head would usually create.

It was like taking the training wheels off a bike, and let me tell you, the high those kinds of feelings give you, the feeling of starting or venturing into something new is always amazing. Relish in those moments. You don’t get much of them. The first step you take outside a plane into Peru, the first time you step into your new apartment after just moving out, the first time you step out of school, knowing you don’t ever have to go back any more. That feeling is amazing. Your body’s blood is pumping. I understand the heart much more now. People attribute the heart to emotion, it controls the blood pumping through your veins and that blood flow can sometimes make you feel drained, or make you feel amazing.

I want to live for more of these moments.

More first of everythings.

*Car stalls one more time before parking it in garage*