Introverts: Even in the Quietest Moments

I have a difficult confession to make. For years I’ve been living a lie, one so pervasive that I almost began to believe it myself.

With a bombshell opening like that, certain assumptions are understandable, if not inevitable. You may be expecting me to ‘come out’. Nope. Though I’m not sure I’ve ever been ‘in’, I’ve been ‘out’ as bi for years, and that’s hardly a secret. Substance abuse problem? Aside from an unhealthy addiction to soft drinks, no luck there. Celebrity scandal? I wish.

My confession?

I’m an introvert pretending to be an extrovert, and I can’t do it anymore.

Ok… so it’s not quite worthy of a headline in the National Enquirer, but bear with me.

There’s been a lot of discussion recently about introverts. From books such as the excellent Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain, to her powerful and moving TED talk, introverts are being discussed more than ever. It’s really not at all surprising.

We live in an extroverted world. We praise the doers, the hustlers, the trailblazers and the ones who ‘kick ass and take names’. (Side note: What do they do with the names they take… sell them to spam email marketers maybe?) I jest, but the fact remains, we tend to hold those of an outgoing, extroverted nature in higher regard than their introverted brethren.

Indeed, there is a belief among many that introverts are somehow ‘impaired’. Back in 2010, an article by Nancy Ancowitz and Laurie Helgoe, PhD appeared on the Psychology Today website. In it, they discussed how the World Health Organization and the American Psychiatric Association described introverts in authoritative manuals used for diagnosing mental disorders. As I am not a psychologist by any means, and to avoid any misinterpretation on my part, I refer you to this excellent article for the requisite background information. The bottom line is that these two venerable organizations took a very dim view of introverted personalities, and in the case of the APA, proposed to have it listed as a disorder.

The result of this and the general societal mistrust of ‘the quiet ones’ is a tremendous amount of pressure to be outgoing and garrulous, to be extroverted, even when this is entirely incompatible, and even detrimental, to our long term emotional health.

When one is looking for work (as I currently am), the preference is always given to the extrovert. An introvert is often labelled as a ‘lone wolf’, or ‘lacking in energy’. Note: Both of these labels have been applied to me in the past.

The fact is, these are not at all accurate. While it’s true that introverts like myself do enjoy solitary time, most are extremely effective team players, they simply have their own unique methods. An introvert’s propensity for careful observation and thoughtfulness make them excellent resources when considering a course of action. As well, introverts are often known for having a laser-like focus on tasks, making them extremely dependable.

Some of the most successful people in the world are themselves introverts. Albert Einstein, Steven Spielberg, J.K. Rowling, Elon Musk and even Lady Gaga are well known examples of this inward-looking personality type. Their daily habits will be familiar to any introvert. Elon Musk for example, prefers to communicate via email whenever possible. It gives him time to carefully consider his response. I myself share this preference, eschewing the phone or other ‘instantaneous’ communications for email whenever I can.

By now you may be wondering what any of this has to do with my supposed ‘bombshell’ confession. As I said at the beginning, I’m an introvert. (I’m also incredibly shy and solitary, but those are separate issues.) I’m not a hustler, or a mover-and-shaker. I don’t kick down doors or take the world by storm, nor am I really entirely comfortable being the one in the room doing all the talking.

The fact that I have been the one in the room doing all the talking (much to my audience’s chagrin I’m afraid), is due partly to pressure to be outgoing, to be a doer, an achiever. To be an extrovert. Lately however I have come to understand that this is both unhealthy and a disservice to myself and others. The time has come to fully embrace my quirks and foibles, and accept the place where I am most comfortable, no matter the consequences.

My place is here, within the wilderness of the written word. Here I can express myself, obsess over every sentence and word, building meaning where there was none before. It’s a safe place for my nature, allowing for careful thought and consideration, and providing a vehicle for my own unique talents. Writing has been a passion of mine that I’ve never allowed myself to fully embrace. At least, until now.

One final point. While I do want to make a positive case for introverts, I am in no way disparaging the extroverts among us. The movers and shakers in this world are as essential as those who prefer to sit in quiet consideration. Extroverts are truly a yin to an introvert’s yang — purely complimentary.

So if you’re an extrovert and you know someone who may seem less garrulous than others in a group, don’t single them out, or try to encourage them to open up more. Respect their need for quiet and solitude. Let them observe and consider their words and thoughts. Believe me, they won’t forget it.