When Your Partner Says No To Sex: Desire Discrepancy and Unequal Sex Drive

Differences in sexual desire is one of the primary reasons that couples seek out a sex therapist. This problem is often characterized by a woman's “low-libido” or lack of desire for sex. However, it is important to note that it is not always the woman who has the lower libido.

Discontentment with your sex life can often be broken down in to two categories: discrepancies in desire and sexual incompatibility. It is important to identify which of these categories best fits you, as sexual incompatibility can happen in many ways and for many reasons. Figuring out exactly where the discrepancy in desire is coming from and why is the first step in getting back in sync with your partner.

It is important to examine the general relationship dynamic between you and your partner as well as the way you interact sexually. Ask yourself these questions. Have you fallen into a stale pattern? Are you arguing frequently? Do you hold any negative beliefs about sex? Have you said hurtful things to one another? Do hold any beliefs about traditional gender roles and who should initiate sex? Are you sexually competent? Do you and your lover speak to each other in a productive way?

One reason that is often cited for sexual incompatibility is the skill level of one partner in comparison to the desire of the other. If you are the unsatisfied partner be sure not to criticize or accuse your lover. Make sure that when you address an issue that you are being kind. Be specific about what turns you on, but avoid making your lover feel incompetent. It is most helpful to place emphasis on the things that you do like rather than the things that you don’t. Encourage them to do more of the things that feel good and highlight what they already do well.

Partners who receive praise are more likely to be eager and willing to learn. For example, saying “ I love the way you were licking my nipple, I would like more of that kind of attention, but when you entered me, I wasn’t fully ready” is much more helpful than just saying “ you never do enough foreplay”.

Often times when clients come into my office the complaints are the result of long-standing unspoken dissatisfaction that has escalated to the point of perceived neglect, disinterest in their partner’s sexual satisfaction, and even selfishness on the part of their lover. Feeling neglected or sexually incompetent is likely to have a markedly negative effect on your sex drive and even a pointed disinterest in interacting with your spouse sexually. Repeated negative feedback can and often does lead to an unwillingness to learn how to please a sexual partner. If you don’t watch what you say as well as how you say things, it is easy to provoke or offend those you love.

The person who is unsatisfied must learn how to suggest corrections without being critical of their partner. While the person who is less skilled must take a profound interest in being fully attentive to their partners needs.

It is important to avoid addressing problems in the moment. Wait until after sex is finished when your partner is less vulnerable to give them feedback. Criticism while in the middle of an intimate moment can exacerbate the issue and lead to generalized anxiety or even reluctance to have sex.

Potential causes for sudden discrepancies in desire:

• first rule out any physical conditions such as medications, depression, or hormonal imbalance

Potential causes for sexual incompatibility:

• neglecting specific forms of stimulation
• quality of touch
• lack of emotional connectedness
• not enough attention outside of the bedroom
• misalignment of the type of sex you desire (kink vs vanilla)

Bad habits that can decrease sexual desire:

• people pleasing or keeping quiet about your physical/emotional discomfort
• quid pro quo: having sex in exchange for gifts or good treatment
• coercing or trying to manipulate your partner into having sex
• making negative comments about your partner’s appearance
• giving into sexual acts you don’t enjoy to please your partner
• criticizing your partner’s sexuality
• checking out or not being present with your partner during intimate moments
• not paying attention to your partner’s non-verbal cues
• neglecting the quality of touch you use when engaging with your partner

When to seek professional help: sooner rather than later. If you and your partner have a long-standing discrepancy or dissatisfaction with your sex life then it is important to reach out to a professional.

I offer a variety of sex coaching and advice options. You can book a free phone consultation by visiting my website rekindlerelationships.com or call 678–710–1255

My office is located in Atlanta, Georgia. I also offer telehealth services for the rest of the United States and Canada.

Kink and Poly friendly.