Hey Medium Pundits… You Suck Too.

Hi, I think we need to have this talk right now. It’s part pep-talk, part constructive criticism. I think that makes this sort of like an intervention maybe? It’s been a while since I’ve been a part of one. But only on the side where people all read some stuff and explain their feelings and how the behavior of someone is hurting them. I have long feared the looming intervention, but I seem to have enough sense to have not been the target of one just yet. So I’m saying this to help you and it may hurt. It may not help at all, but I have to speak up for the good of our relationship. Because I don’t want to keep unfollowing people on Facebook, or rather, I want people to be better on Facebook and stop linking any half-brained ranter on Medium that thinks they’ve got something new to say about the times we live in or the people who do newsworthy things. So with that in mind lets get started.

You Have to Stop With These Half-Brained Analyses That boil down to Your Opinion.

I’m getting awfully tired of it. Medium is a great platform, but it’s like Twitter in that it doesn’t have any active quality control. It’s a great soapbox to get on if Uber is being terrible, and you witnessed it. Or maybe you saw some other Sillicon Valley Startup being the worst and you need people to know. This is a great way to get all those thoughts down and explain something concrete that people should understand. But what this is a crappy place for, is your opinion that somehow The_Donald subreddit will explode if we do anything about the current state of the administration. I don’t know who to yell at first. The High School friend of mine who linked the above bullshit, and who had a higher GPA than me, but also the poor judgement to share the mind vomit of an idiot who spends too much time on Reddit? Or the actual writer who thinks Reddit is truly a good representation of anything besides Why Reddit Needs to be Lit on Fire and Slowly Dropped into the Ocean.

The actual nerve of a person to suggest we shouldn’t do anything about Reddit and Donald Trump? If it weren’t stupid and cliché to suggest that somehow you were Donald Trump or related to Donald Trump I would state, “HEY NICE TRY DONNY. We’re still gonna make you regret the idea that becoming President was ever going to end up any other way besides you winding up in prison as a laughing stock.” Donald Trump is not the goddamn Boogieman. He’s an incompetent Land Developer who was lucky he was born rich and white. Think about how much better off our Country would be for shrugging this guy off like a spiderweb we carelessly walked into. You know who points that out and explains the problem very well? Rachel “I’m Long-winded Because background is important” Maddow. She does news better than the 4 people you would name ahead of her, and is a well-read bad ass woman on top of it. She brought on the person who received his 2005 Tax Returns, who also happened to explain the context of what was being reported on, with expert level information that includes having reported on Donald Trump for 25 years. But your dumb-ass had to whine on Twitter instead of pay attention. There are at least 5 good reasons to heed the reporting she did, that gives you many strong avenues of resistance. I will list them here relatively quickly:

  1. They pointed out that he has frequently done business with many different questionable entities. Corrupt Government Officials!(Azerbaijan) Corrupt Banking Executives!(Deutschebank, Bank of Cyprus) Incompetent Wealthy People!(most of the wealthy people doing business with Trump) The Goddamn Mob! But she didn’t slam dunk this story well enough and give you a lollipop after so she failed and was boring. Okay I guess… That’s a fair critique if you are a spoiled brat complaining that your mom didn’t get the right flavor of Doritos. But she did an excellent job of keeping the fire going. We need to be angry about the fact that we still don’t have information because a lying sack of shit is hiding things from us and he’s our President. That shit is still the most enraging thing about Donald Trump, besides the fact that he is only enabling every right wing fantasy for the past 20 years, he hasn’t disrupted anything besides rational people’s sleep at night Ms. Sarandon. Never forget all the morons who, in the face of growing evidence to the contrary, still think he could somehow prove to be competent and decent. He’s getting away with lying about shit that Obama would have been strung up for, and people once questioned whether he would make a good president even though he’d only been a Senator and Community Organizer. I thought I could never forgive people’s open racism towards Obama, but now I long for the time when we had a competent President that people still fell over themselves hurl bigoted slanders against. And now you just roll over for some half-rate wannabe Caudillo who seems either coked out of his mind or delusional enough to think you will remember him as anything other than the gaping hole that finally sank this country. If Donald Trump didn’t exist, a telenovela would have invented him since he is the gold standard of telenovela villainy in every conceivable way.
  2. The Fight against Donald Trump to prevent the country from going to shit is going to run like a full series not a mini-series. Some episodes are going to be way more dry than others, simply to build up the plot. I’m sorry your attention span has gotten so bad. Mine has too, while typing this I checked Twitter 3 times and used the bathroom 8 times. I’m not just on Twitter. I’m on Facebook, and looking up tickets for a movie, but I keep going. I’m going to make 5 points about this stupidity even if I take a full 12 hours to do it. Because you need to understand that Donald Trump is not a threat you will understand in a matter of an hour, it’s an ongoing concern. There is scary shit you won’t think about until it happens and then you’ll pretend like you saw that coming too. Because the pile-on effect is like that. Some disaster will strike in some place, worse than it’s ever struck before and then you’ll want to be above that too giving some bullshit analysis while people on the ground are suffering (It’s taking place right now, I can’t wait until they start fully covering how many people are being detained and threatened, but by my calculation that won’t be until Oscar season in about 5–10 years, and you’ll both care and write some bullshit tweets and Medium posts about why that does or does not matter more). This is the slow bit of the show’s season before sweeps week when narrative stagnates except for some weird “will they won’t they” drama about banning Muslims and hating Jews.
  3. This isn’t a Distraction Or a an Attention Grab THIS IS THE GODDAMN WORK. Of course it’s boring. Have you ever fallen asleep reading a good book? Maddow is like that. She is giving you goddamn chapter and verse and yes she is dry. She is a white lady from the North East. Holy shit she can’t be Rihanna. And for that matter, you know who would have given you great reporting but you didn’t give a shit about? Melissa Harris-Perry. She reported her ass off, and made it fun and interesting and kept you engaged. But they cancelled her, and you had shit all to say about it(few to no Medium posts about it). So now you get Steel-Cut Oatmeal Maddow, with only a bit of fruit. But of course you aren’t complaining about her because she’s a woman. That’s wrong to even suggest. But it’s probably why you turned against her. The pile-on effect is easiest deployed against minorities and women.
  4. What we seriously need is a growing near exponential pile-on effect against Trump. And I’m not talking about ineffectual late night jokes about Trump, that shit is tired, please stop asking Jon Stewart for his opinion, as if he will save you from not enough people voting. We need a pile-on of voters, we need more people showing attention to the idiots that voted for him because no one in the news and politics pays enough attention to anywhere outside of the coasts until election time. Hey Chris Hayes, why don’t you report on how you and others failed to do these whiter than a Lacrosse Tournament Banquet Townhalls anytime Donald Trump held those loud ass hate rallies while he was running? And the thing you still aren’t doing is pointing out that Democrats have still done more for those cheering for Trump than Republicans ever did, and that all Dems get for their troubles is spit in their Cheerios.
    Now people want to compare Rachel Maddow and Bill Maher? You are angry at Rachel Maddow? For WHAT? For elaborately telling you why Donald Trump is dangerous? Or for getting your hopes up? Literally she did nothing wrong. Never mind that you put her in a list with Bill Maher, Bill “I smoke pot and talked shit about Bush so I’m cool forever” Maher. Did you know that Chris Matthews is still on television and he’s kind of the worst? That man looks like the Uncle of your Drunk Uncle who yells about how Nixon wasn’t as bad as everyone makes him out to be, because of some China Bullshit or something about goddamn Bowling. I’d wager that Chris Matthews is somewhere either on air or off, making a Checkers joke. He talks as if he can gain immortality by constantly raising his voice unevenly on television. And you single out Maddow? OH THAT’S HOW IT IS? Is it because everyone on Twitter started making jokes about it and you feel left out? Because that’s kind of stupid High School Shit. And that’s what this is. We’ve got a pile-on issue now. We have to pile some shit all the time, simply because we don’t get what we want right away so now we need to bitch and moan. Look at how many old weird looking white male comedians we have “telling it like it is.” At first Louis CK was enough. Then we got Bill Burr, now Seinfeld is coming back, and he’s older and angrier even though he’s a millionaire who still gets work. It’s a goddamn epidemic. 
    Hence, Bill “Zika” Maher should not be on Television anymore. Know why? It’s not specifically because of Milo, or that he hates on Muslims too much (He does. Imagine if he actually talked about a group that is really a threat to the world, Celebrities in General. Celebrity allows idiots to claim credibility for reasons completely unrelated to credible thought, and sometimes they get in office.) The reason Bill Maher needs to go away is because his show is the most unfunny, febrile shit on HBO right now. He’s basically taking the jokes John Oliver discards and beats them into the ground like a Circus worker putting up a tent. Bill Maher is like a Catskills Comedian act on a Wednesday night that your grandparents would go see because they accidentally got tickets from a telemarketer and they couldn’t claim an iPad without going to see him first. His act is so tired, he wants you to think he’s still cool, that’s why he interviewed Milo. His Jokes are atrociously unfunny, and yes insensitive, because that’s the only way he can get an edge now, is by pretending that other groups can’t take a joke more than White Male Celebrities running out time by pretending they don’t care what you think about them (*cough* Joe Rogan). Anyways, I digress.
  5. I ACTUALLY MADE IT TO 5 points. WHAT A RELIEF. I need to take a shower and wash my hair. But I need to tell you, I think you’re very important, and I love you, honestly I do. I only speak to you like this because I care about you and this is important shit. But this has got to stop. Stop posting every damn Medium post that makes you feel better by encouraging the lazy type of thinking that got Donald Trump elected. I love you enough to tell you that WE have to do better, not just one group, I’m not going to blame this on anyone, because I am anyone. I am you, not you specifically, but I make the same mistakes and errors as you, because my brain isn’t better than yours it’s just different. And anyone who suggests that they know the future based on the present just has a different idea, but the most important thing to remember is that idea is probably bunk, because the best way to focus on the future is by fixing the myriad issues we have presently. Because those issues have been here since the past and if we finally address them we make the future better. So stop all this nonsense pile-on of people who do great work, like Rachel Maddow. She’s doing her job, and the next time you compare her to Bill Maher I’m going to find you and tell you that I love you, but you could do better. How will you deal with such earnest reasonableness then huh?