Winter Wonderland (Part Dos)
The melody drifted through my bedroom, the words spinning in circles around me. “You know I’m such a fool for you…” I smiled. After that moment on Christmas Eve when he confessed those three words, we spoke hours on end. He told me of all the times, of all the little moments where he would try to somehow show how he felt for me. I was too rough, I was too awkward, I was too stuck on the notion that he would never set his eyes on me. I had missed every moment. Although, I don’t believe I missed them, I just paid them no mind. To me he was just like that with everyone. I was just another one of the girls he enjoyed having swoon over him, but I never gave in.
The song replayed. “You’ve got me wrapped around your finger…” I laid on my bed, the biggest most uncomfortable smile on my face. There I laid, waiting, waiting for the distinct chiming ringtone I had designated just for him. Every time it rang, my heart raced frantically as I picked up the phone and read every word anxiously.
The house smelled of food and celebration. Warmth filled each and every room, with the far off chatter of relatives catching up, telling stories of the good old days. Once again, I was not being myself. I was quiet and deep in thought. The only thing submerging me back into reality was that chime. “Allie! You’re being so BORING!” The consistent complaint from my younger cousin Caroline. If only she understood what was happening inside of me, then maybe she would leave me alone. The rest of the evening was a blur. Food, drinks, music, laughter and stories. The hours and minutes, even the seconds, dragged on by.
12:03am. I tried calling him but the busy signal rang each time. I knew it was a long shot to try and communicate with him, but I had to try. I had to wish him a Happy New Year. I knew that he would understand what was truly behind those common celebratory words. He would hear the hope that hung above each syllable. He would hear my heart praying that his new year would have me included. He would understand the dreams and illusions I had for us both if he would have me. He would know that as I wished him a happy and prosperous new year, I would also be offering my heart for him to take, if he wanted it.
12:17am. Chimes. I took the phone, ran to the bathroom and locked the door. I had been waiting for his name to appear on that screen all evening, but now I could not get myself to answer. After three rings, I answered. “Hola.” He said. My heart melted, yet even the puddle of my melted heart continued beating as fast as ever. “Hi, um, Happy New Year.” Did he feel it? Did he hear the anxious tone in my voice? Did he sense the need behind my words? The hope hanging from every word? “Happy New Year…I tried calling before but the lines were busy. I wanted you to be the first person I called..I’m sorry.” He wanted me to be the first. He wanted to start the year with my voice. “No it’s ok. Don’t worry. I tried too so I get it.” Silence. “Allie…” “Yes..?” “I’ve never been this scared and excited.” Scared? The most confident guy I knew, the guy who could charm his way through any room full of people, he was scared. If he was scared, I was terrified. “What I feel for you, scares me. I’m sorry, the punch I drank clearly had something in it and I don’t think I can hold it all in now. I just need you to know that what I feel for you is the strongest thing I have ever felt inside of me. I want to hold your hand, I want to kiss you…But I’m scared.” Silence. My mind frantically trying to figure out what to say to everything he had just said. I was still trying to adapt to this side of him I had never seen or even imagined I would ever discover. “Why? um..I mean, what are you scared of?” The breathing from the other side of the phone astonished me. Here I was, nervous, my thoughts trying to sort themselves out, but for that brief moment I was the lesser of the nervous wrecks. “I’m scared, because I know for sure that the moment I get close to you, the moment I kiss you, I won’t be able to ever be the person I was. I know that I won’t ever be able to shake you off…I don’t want you to hurt me.”
Clearly, I was in an alternate universe. The world was playing a huge prank on me, in which the guy that for years caused restless nights, was scared I would hurt him. I could never, I would never hurt you. I could never destroy the one thing I’ve always wanted. But I couldn’t bring myself to say that. Silence. “I’m sorry, this is all too much I know. I’ve just had this bottled up for so long and today I guess I couldn’t take it anymore.” He laughed nervously. I could hear it. “I get it.” I was stuck. I had never been left speechless, anyone who had ever met me knew I could never be left without words. Yet here I was. Silent. “Allie?” “yea…?” “Can..um, can I see you this weekend?”