“Yes, but…” Why not “Yes, and…”?

One word can change the way people feel when giving feedback

So what’s the difference you maybe asking? This slight change in wording is commonly thought of having the same meaning but it results in people having a completely different feeling just after those two words have been spoken.

I have been working with startups across different countries and a range of industries for the past 5 years and it wasn’t until recently that this [slight word difference] was brought to my attention. Let me take you back a step. I was recently attending a Improvisation workshop in San Francisco (run by ImprovHq) where we had small groups (4–5) of people taking part in a simple exercise.

The exercise started off with one of the people in the group saying “Let’s have a party.” and then another person in the group would have to start by saying “yes, but” followed by a comment (“yes, but what if no one comes”). This keeps going from person to person starting with the “yes, but”. Quickly everyone notices that this has a very negative flow to the conversation. We then changed the words “yes, but” to “yes, and” and started again. Wow! what a difference that one word made to the way everyone in the conversation felt. Everyone instantly felt included and like their contribution was being heard.

What is happening here and how does this one single word have such power. Have you ever shared a thought with someone and you think they are on-board with it until they say that evil word “but….” Kaboom! It feels like your idea has been shot down and into a million pieces leaving you feeling empty.

“Awesome, what a fantastic idea but we don’t have time right now”

“Great work on getting the sale but you need to do it faster next time?”

As soon as that “but” word is used the person is now feeling deflated, instantly. I am the first to admit that this is something I have done many times when giving feedback. I don’t know where I picked up this bad habit but it feels like something I got in the old corporate life. Yuck!

Since that day, I have consciously been making an effort to ensure that I use “yes, and” whenever I speak with my startup companies and people in my daily life. This small change to the way I communicate has resulted in such positive outcomes. By resisting the built in urge in my head to say the word “but”, I am saying “yes, and”.

“Did my pitch sound much better to you?” Resist the urge to use the “but” word and say something to the tone of “yes, and I’m going to help you with your speed and flow tomorrow”.

If you have negative news, be open and honest. Let the person know what the issue is and ask them to be part of the solution. Tough conversations are hard to get through, but being honest and straightforward show much more respect than a patronising “Yes, but.”