‘Weird’ Recruiter Questions Aren’t Weird Enough

Recruiters, you deserve more. Here’s some weirder questions.

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“Spell TCHAIKOVSKY backwards.”

The 18-year-old shifts in his seat. His life to this point has been protein shakes, football and SnapChat. He mumbles an answer. You’re not listening. You’ve already decided you won’t draft him. He has a bunk kick and small hands. You recline slightly, the 100% polyester club jacket chafing against your skin. You can’t wait to get out of here.

“Now count down in multiples of 7 from 508.” Your pocket buzzes. Maybe it’s a text message. Maybe it’s Tinder. Maybe it’s that one girl. The one with the photo of her drinking white wine. You’ve asked the same questions for the last ten or so years. You’ve asked Jack Gunston to spell ‘Adelaide’ backwards. You’ve asked Dillon Viojo-Rainbow to spell “Viojo-Rainbow’ forwards. You once asked Anthony Koutoufides to spell ‘pyramid’ backwards, but he hadn’t heard of the word. (You still haven’t worked that one out.) You’re a recruiter, one of the most maligned roles in the AFL.

Look, I’m just some idiot football writer on a laptop. But these questions — Spelling? Basic maths? Responses under mild stress? (Nando level: Lemon & herb.) Interviewing future $300k/year employees with a Grade 6 puzzle book isn’t weird. It’s negligent. Make them earn it. At least find out something about them. Plus, everyone came down on you for taking Kane Lucas over Nathan Fyfe. You deserve some joy. Here are thirteen weirder questions.

  1. Please think of a sledge. This is all you know about your opposing player: he has a sick two-year-old son.
  2. Would you rather have two Brownlow medals and no premierships OR have zero individual honours, but participate in two winning premiership games where you are most known for taking five falcons?
  3. You suspect that your opponent- a serial stager, is faking another injury. His staging has resulted in multiple unfair suspensions to opponents this year. You could expose him by pushing him. You have a 0.01 percent chance of being wrong and rupturing his ACL. What do you do?
  4. Your team doctor wants to give you a pill that will make you 15 percent faster. This is technically a legal supplement, but due to a sponsorship deal with the drug company, only your club has access to it. Do you take it?
  5. You are giving a talk to primary school students. Part of the talk requires you to link your laptop to a projector. As you connect the cable, you realise that you have three windows open: Hardcore porn, a Pauline Hanson donation site and a fully nude photo of yourself. You only have time to close one window. Which window do you close?
  6. You are talking to a childhood friend who plays for the team you are facing this week. He unintentionally lets slip a key component of their game plan. He has not noticed. As is, your friend is on the verge of being delisted. Your team has not won all year. What do you do?
  7. You could successfully duck for fifty free-kicks a season. This will probably change the result of five games. This may also result in concussions and possibly clinical depression in the off-season. Why does Joel Selwood do it?
  8. Would you rather have a secret, rehabilitatable drug addiction that nobody knows about, OR have a false, lifelong reputation as a drug addict that virtually everyone (media, fans, football personnel) believes is true?
  9. Is it better to play under a captain with no leadership qualities but prodigious footballing talent, or a captain with inspiring leadership but embarrassing footballing ability? Which would you rather be?
  10. You are given a peek into the next ten years: you will never play AFL football. You play ten seasons of VFL development league football. In this future, you are 10kg overweight, the worst player on the team but seem genuinely, deliriously happy. Do you accept this future?
  11. You see an opponent sliding into your captain at high speed. This will definitely end in a catastrophic knee injury. You have two options (1) Let it happen or (2) Push your captain into the nearest goal post, breaking his ankle. If you do this, your captain will never believe your reasoning. What do you do?
  12. You are guaranteed a limited five year career in AFL football. (1) You earn $800k/year and are constantly criticised in the media for not playing to the expectations of your salary. This follows you into your post-football life. (2) You earn $80k/year but are widely accepted as one of the best role players in the game. You support a wife and child. Which do you choose?
  13. Please think of a sledge. This is all you know about your opposing player: Tennis player Thanasi Kokkinakis has slept with his girlfriend.
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