As a recovering misogynist geek asshole I want to address my fellow assholes regarding “feedback”.
- You aren’t owed a respectful hearing for your feedback because,
- If you feel the impulse to give “feedback” to a random person with less structural power than you it’s likely just a badly disguised power play, instead
- Own your shit
Here’s how I read the original incident — dude was uncomfortable with his own self during Ms. Willis’ talk. Maybe the topic was something he wanted to understand and it was clear she understood it better than he did. Rather than deal with his own discomfort, he figured if he could make Ms. Willis feel bad about talking then he’d feel (temporarily) better about himself.
Why am I making this all about gender (or other structural power differentials)? I’m not. Dude is. He passive aggressively approached a woman in a way no dude has ever approached me.
I’ve had plenty of listeners come up to me upset after a talk. Never with this approach. Dude does this with women and not with men, he’s making it about gender.
In the thread on Twitter, Dude 2 soon weighed in reinforcing the “feedback as power play” message:
“Wonder what it was” — what a load of bollocks. Dude 2 is uncomfortable that a mere woman would ignore a man and is attempting to shame Ms. Willis for not caving. Dude, she doesn’t need to see the list because it’s bullshit. It’s about Dude 1’s feelings, not about the presentation.
Am I sure that Dudes 1 & 2 aren’t sincere & just awkward? Yes I am, because I’ve seen it too many times (and perpetrated it myself in younger years).
The mildest consequence of this behavior, put-in-placing criticism disguised as “feedback”, is that geeks without structural power have a harder time reaching their geeky potential. Many are driven right out of geekdom altogether, a loss to all. And all so dudes can temporarily stave off feelings of inadequacy.
Own your shit, dudes. The First Feedback Filter applies both ways. When receiving feedback, ask, “What of this is about me and what of this is about them?” When you feel compelled to give unsolicited feedback to those with less structural power than you, ask, “What of this is about me and my feelings of inadequacy/self-loathing/insecurity and what is about them?” And then keep that “feedback” to yourself and work on your self-image.
You, work on your self-image. It’s no one’s responsibility but yours. (Hint: the more upset you would be if the feedback was rejected, the more it’s actually about you & the more you should keep it to yourself.)
I dream of a day when all geeks are free to fully geek in ways that support & do not diminish others. Slinging criticism turds coated in feedback frosting postpones that day. Knock it the hell off. Own your shit.
Oh, my response to Dude 2:
Some folks aren’t able to see the embedded tweets. Here they are in order:
