Inside The Mind Of A Master Sunday Driver.

The six commandments.

Mr. Haywood hanging precariously for dear life after figuratively pushing a no-nonsense woman to the edge. She’d go on to return the favor..literally. [Image Credit Daily Mail]

Recently, I shared a curious tale in which a Mr. Marvin Haywood made a ten year hobby out of delaying others on the road. His unconventional pastime was abruptly brought to an end by a near death experience. The following scribblings were brought to light from a memo that was discovered in his mangled car.

  • Employment: Irritating others is serious business and cannot be a thing you do on the side. This is a full time commitment that requires unfettered dedication. Retire, resign, quit your job..whatever it takes to be as idle as you possibly can.
  • Choose your victim wisely. It goes without saying that you shouldn’t pull these stunts on authority figures e.g. a platoon of National Guards heading to a war frontline to engage Russian super spies, a State Trooper, a low-flying UFO with visible laser turrets, a Presidential entourage and the local Police cruisers.
  • Know the area. Venturing into unknown neighborhoods is quite wholesomely idiotic. You could be instigating gang members, anti government numbskulls known to carry bazookas in their Hyundais or towns with a generally high percentage of psychotic/ vengeful individuals.
  • Synchronize a timer with the traffic lights to maximize stoppage at red lights and also to delay approaching a green light too quickly causing unnecessary smooth flow of traffic.
  • Don’t acknowledge the victim. This is the most effective method of maximizing blood boiling-points. Look straight ahead holding the steering wheel in a gentle clasp like you would a delicate newly born baby panda..who’s critically endangered.
  • Go back home, review the day and take notes about any new tricks that could come in handy in the future. Eat a filling low sodium meal and go to sleep at 7 p.m. Wake up at 3.30 a.m. Repeat.

Ken Kamami,
Freelance Reporter.

Update: The Norfolk County District Judge dismissed all charges against UFRC Insurance and instead sentenced Mr. Haywood to three consecutive defensive driving classes.
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