Open letter to Elon Musk

The Gobulars are a peaceful species that enjoy watching Family Matters reruns. They will however absorb anyone who accidentally obstructs their satellites.[Image Credit: The Futurama Point]

Dear Sir,
I hope this letter finds you in good health and high spirits. Let me begin by extending my utmost congratulations to your achievements so far. Despite huddles like those presented by the conniving Car and Driver boys, you’ve pumped a huge refreshing breathe into the planet’s future. A car with just a powertrain and no accomanying transmission or driveshaft?Who would’ve thought? And it’s mass produced??!! Well sir, I dare opine that you’re a genius. A specially gifted individual with a vision..and billions of dollars.

Now you see, lately, I’ve been inclined to consume way too much news. I can’t help it. I know it’ll drive me mad one of these days. Most of the information about you or your circle is quite uplifting, countering the deluge of shall I say..downlifting developments happening on a daily basis…sometimes hourly…at the White House.

Now, hear me out. I bumped into some very reputable sources saying that you’re trying to make space travel mainstream. That rich folks such unlike myself can board a shuttle to go see space up close..and that we might in the future conquer these widely unknown depths of the galaxy. Since you’re an intellectual, I’m going to pitch an idea to you in the best intellectual form I know — graphs. I’ll use a simple line graph with an X and a Y axis. The X will represent amount of US Dollars (mons), and the Y will represent number of projects (projs). What I’m going after is the coefficient (craps). See, with an all-electric car that’s now available to the average consumer, even though the R & D (projs) cost a lot of mons, mama earth is much very grateful. So, I’d say on the whole, the coefficient adds up to negative 98.88 craps. On the other hand, man’s efforts to conquer space hasn’t yielded any productive result after half a century. It’s always been more like a cock length contest between the world’s powers. At the moment, US space stations are hurtling around earth through a vacuum at 17,000 miles/hr…at a cost of hundreds of billions of mons. I assign this, 5789.88 craps.

Again, I know you’re a reasonable person which I also somewhat happen to be. Nevertheless, sometimes I tend to be quite clumsy indeed. More than I could care for. When I look back at history’s major inventions and discoveries, one person that stands out is the good Scotsman, Alexander Fleming. His little Penicillin accidental find has done me good many a time when I have inadvertently impaled or somehow gruesomely wounded myself. He did all this in a NOT space laboratory right here on earth..specifically Britain. Trust me. I get the thrill of meeting some new strange looking friends, but please do reconsider.

Here’s some scenarios you might find quite unnerving about what could happen to you should you bump into these alien bros people are talking so much about:

  • Get captured and forced to babysit their loud spawn for minimal mon compensation.
  • Be enslaved to work on a gaseous diamond solar field..for zero mons.
  • They could force you to start working on an all electric space saucer for 350k alien mons — unusable on your home planet.

My proposal is to immediately halt whatever it is that you’re doing. Message me and we’ll work together towards diverting the current mons to ending world hunger and human suffering in general. If my calculations are correct, I foresee changing the 5789.88 craps to negative infinity craps.

Yours Faithfully,
Ken Kamami.
Future Tesla Global Outreach COO.