life is not a temp job

Graduating from college in the year 2009 was a big lesson in detachment. I had to detach from my notions of what post-grad life would look like, of what I had anticipated since I was little. I shuffled through a series of temp jobs that would be unwise for me to get attached to, because for the most part, they ended.

It was emotionally traumatic for me when an 8-month maternity leave fill-in job that I really liked ended. I couldn’t find a job with the same job title as my temp position and I didn’t even really like the industry I was in, but I kept looking in that industry anyway. I was stuck and it took me a great many months to get on the right path again.

I haven’t been too acquainted with the notion of permanence.

Now that I’m getting into a relationship with possibilities of permanence, my old defense mechanisms are proving harmful and maladaptive. I don’t need lots of people- I just need one. It’s not bad to get attached. I won’t be suddenly fired from my relationship — unless I do something to make that happen. With life, unlike temp jobs, a lot of the outcome is in my own hands. Constantly pulling away eventually has the intended effect.

I want to change but how?