Kerri Aisling Martin
Nov 5 · 5 min read

Stop Assuming All SAHMs are Just Lazy and Spoiled

Yesterday a mother of one of my child’s classmates asked me if I worked, and I said no. She got that look, one I know well: the one that says I couldn’t possibly know what her life is like because I’m living a life of leisure over here.

Before my child was born, I ran my own business. The hours were such that continuing that business after she was born was impossible. I tried, but it didn’t work with my husband’s schedule. My husband earns more money than I do, and even when my earnings were similar, I still didn’t have great health care. He did, so we needed him to be the main money earner in our home. I continued working part-time from home until the company reorganized and I lost that job when my daughter was two.

I tried teaching part-time for awhile, but I didn’t have the free childcare so many of my mom friends take for granted (grandmothers, sisters, and sometimes even older siblings take care of their children while they work). The amount of money I earned working full-time would mostly go to childcare, so the only thing that made sense for me was to work part-time at night when my husband could watch our child. Eventually, my daughter went to school, and I did work full-time.

It was exhausting. I’m an older first-time mother with some health conditions, and my career had always involved teaching children. I didn’t have the energy level to teach all day then come home to focus on more childcare in the evening. Sundays were spent lesson planning, and my husband worked Saturdays so we had no family time. We never had a grandparent who could provide reliable care, so every moment we were working, we had to pay someone to take care of her. Both of us working was NOT working.

I have met single mothers, and so far all of the ones I’ve met have a grandparent helping watching the child or they have discounted childcare or they switch off care with the other parent. I understand there are some that do not do this and probably have to manage everything themselves. I would guess that is a minority of parents. The fact that I don’t currently earn an income always seems to open up the floodgates of criticism and questions. “Well, you’re lucky” or “I wish I could do that.”

My husband and I did very specific things to have our lifestyle, and none of it was luck.

  • We bought a 2-bedroom duplex in a reasonable neighborhood with a good school district
  • We had one child instead of two or three
  • We didn’t go on expensive vacations
  • We bought a lot of used items at thrift stores for our home
  • Ikea is our friend

When I visit these working mother’s homes, I never say, “well aren’t you lucky to have two kitchen sinks, five bedrooms, a gym in your basement, and a wrap-around porch.” I never say, “oh, wow, aren’t you lucky to have had three children.” I never say, “wow must be nice working all day and having someone else care for your children while you sit at a desk and drink coffee.”

The year that I worked full-time was mainly stressful because it involved children. If I had returned to a job that started later in the day and involved editing legal contracts (a job I used to have), honestly I would have found that easier than taking care of a child or children all day long.

Some SAHMs cannot work because whatever they did as a job makes no financial sense to keep doing, especially if they have to put more than one child in daycare. Others are struggling with physical or mental health issues that they don’t want to burden you with. Some want to go back to work, but they got off the ladder and have no easy way to get back on.

I’ve had people suggest I take a retail job and make $10 an hour. It’s interesting to me that this seems like a good idea to them. Why is it so essential that mothers also earn money? Why is it a given? Why is my earning $10 an hour and putting my child with a babysitter who charges $15 an hour a great idea to them? Why is my spending time with my child so offensive to them?

I began working when I was 14 years old. My mother got some form to enable me to work earlier than the legal age I was supposed to be. At thirteen, I was already paying for everything on my own, outside of rent. My mother either didn’t want or couldn’t buy me things like school clothes and glasses. I had to do it. So assuming I’m lazy is presumptuos. Some of these mothers I’d love to ask — did you work at 13, often out til 1 a.m. on weekdays? Did you put yourself through college working almost full-time? I know for a fact most of them did not. However, now that I’m taking a couple of years off, you’d think I decided to live on a tropical island and drink Margaritas all day.

I’m not going to lie. There are lazy SAHMs. Those are the rich mothers who hire nannies to take care of their children while they play tennis at the club. Anytime I meet a “cool mom” at a park, I quickly learn she’s the nanny. Women like me who never seemed to make more than 40 grand a year are not lazy. We just figured out stressing ourselves out to make that amount makes no sense.

Single moms may have it tougher, but honestly I would say it depends. If my husband was paying child support and I had a supportive mother helping us out with childcare, I would say that my life would be easier. I’d get built-in breaks whenever it was his turn to take our child. As it is, my only break is the time when my child is at school.

Comparing one situation to another isn’t all that helpful. Nobody knows what the other mom is going through, what support she has, or how much money she has to work with. Staying home with children has its own challenges, like isolation, lack of mental stimulation, and dealing with the constant fear that there will be no way back into the workforce in a meaningful way.

So please, stop judging SAHMs as a whole. I do feel lucky I get to stay home with my daughter, but on the flip side, I think I’d feel lucky to have a great job too.

Kerri Aisling Martin

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