Loss is another expression of Love

“It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” — Samuel Butler
I was recently asked to identify one person who has changed my life forever. The first person that jumped to mind was my recent ex-boyfriend. I was puzzled as to why he came to mind first as I was in the midst of grieving the loss of our relationship. I decided to take a moment and began to reflect on the question and as I did the answer appeared as the light in the darkness. I felt into the light and began to learn more about what I needed to know and how my life was being changed forever because of him and the journey we had together.
My ex has not only taught me about love on a deep and unconditional level but also taught me the importance of loss. I am learning that loss is another expression of love. For most of my life I have avoided loss because of the pain that it has created within me in the past. But by avoiding loss, I was not truly loving or living…I was surviving.
From a young age, when I thought about losing someone I would go into a pure state of panic. This started around 5 years of age. My parents had no idea what was happening with me as I clutched the dining room table legs while sobbing hysterically.
They sought outside support and from there I was taught to think about something else instead of about losing those people that I deemed important in my life. I decided that my something else would be dolphins because they brought me so much joy. I was taught to avoid the pain of loss and not fully express it.
I did well learning to manage loss by avoiding it. Any time it reared its ugly head, I could easily change my thoughts and change direction before the fear got hold of me. A few times it got hold of me and you could find me in a fetal position shaking. But eventually I would change my thoughts and begin to breathe normally. I would distract myself.
What I recently discovered is that I got so good at it that I not only refused to express sadness after losing my grandmother but I kept everyone at an arm’s length away. Unconsciously I was afraid to allow anyone to get close to me. But I was not fully living or fully loving. I was too afraid to love because I was too afraid of loss.
Throughout my relationship with my ex I learned so much about love as he loved me unconditionally. I felt safe to fully be me with him. As I allowed more of me to come out and be seen with him and the world, I started to allow myself to be closer to someone and at times that scared me. Something continued to pull me forward into his love and into loving him. I started to feel something so powerful grow within me and to feel the true meaning of love again.
Then I watched him lose his mother who was the love of his life. Through that loss, I lost him. Watching someone you love so dearly lose something precious is not an easy thing. To be with their pain is hard but I loved this man and with that love came being in that pain. Part of my journey of loving him was letting him go. It has been one of the greatest pains I have ever felt but at the same time, the greatest form of love I could ever give in order to honor what he needs.
So, as I have begun to ponder the question on how he changed my life forever I realize that loss is an expression of love. Loss lets you know that love exists. Loss is not an enjoyable process but it is the light I found in the pain of darkness. I would rather experience true love than for it to not exist in my life because I was afraid to be with loss.