Albert stopped writing in his ledger. He had been preoccupied for quite some time. His little office was awash in paperwork that needed his attention and he had been diligently attending his duties. But something wasn’t right. He twitched his bushy mustache as he listened intently.
Aha! It was the quiet. That was what was out of place. Today was Monday and Monday meant Marilyn and Marilyn meant chaos!
Not the bad kind of chaos where fires were started and police were called. No. No. Not that kind. Marilyn was the good kind! Albert always smiled when he thought of Marilyn. Her blonde curls and impressive cleavage were always a pleasure to observe, but even those wonderful attributes paled in comparison to her smile and her, shall we say, energetic manner. Marilyn was chaos, and Albert loved her brand of chaos. It always presented a challenge!
It was not the presence of chaos that was out of place. It was its absence.
He pondered the quiet absence of chaos. Albert looked at the piles of paperwork and back at the door to the main room several times as he weighed his need to finish his task with his desire to know what new chaotic element Marilyn would present today.
As usual, his curiosity won the mental coin toss.
Albert closed his ledger and opened the door.
“…nice guys complaining and whining about how women always choose bad boys are so cringey. Those guys aren’t doing themselves any favors, they are merely announcing that they don’t have any game, are weak and think they are entitled to sex just because you aren’t an asshole.” Marilyn was saying.
“ But that’s not how attraction works. You don’t “earn” sex points for being “nice” and you certainly don’t earn them for whining and complaining and saying women are stupid because they don’t pick you.” She said with a laugh. “Attraction isn’t an intellectual decision. It’s chemical and emotional. It’s IRRATIONAL. If you don’t know how to flirt, seduce, tease, play, and arouse a woman, take a seat and let the bad boys take care of it.”
Satisfied with her assessment, Marilyn tossed her blonde curls dismissively and sat back in her chair, an air of ‘I dare you’ in her posture.
Hank Ruse, the office lothario (in his own mind) and mail clerk quipped “ I think you should give those dudes a tampon boquete.. Just saying.”
Benny Powers, the self proclaimed office smartass, tossed two pennies on his desk and chimed in “You mean I’ve been saving up all these nice guy coins for nothing?”
“ That and $5 will get you half a cup of coffee, that some bad boy will drink for you in front of you while he walks off with three ladies in tow….” Retorted Bill Colley, to loud guffaws.
That even got a cute giggle from Marilyn, despite her combative posture.
“ One thing I’ve learned over the years is that so-called “nice guys” aren’t always so nice.” Said Karla, the look of disdain for all men plain on her face.
“Yes. I agree.” Was the reply from Bonita. Albert could never remember her name. As the youngest intern he rarely spoke with her.
“You can be a bad boy and a good man. These things are NOT mutually exclusive.” Snarled Samantha Flowers, the matronly office manager who spent more time brushing her hair than managing.
Albert sat on the edge of Marilyns desk and raised his finger “Don’t you think your original premise contradicts..”
Marilyn interrupted with a bright smile “You can also be nice and have some sexual energy. Those guys are just duds and don’t understand chemistry.”
Smiling back at her Albert managed “Well, the chemistry of..” Before the law clerk, Dick Dark interjected “You mean chemistry like they don’t understand the periodic table chemistry, right Marilyn?”
Bonnie Rollo, in her fresh off the boat Yiddish accent threw her opinion in “It’s a little egotistical of them to think that they are nice. “Oh, I’m a nice guy, girls don’t like nice guys.” Who is attracted to ego-maniacs? Lego your ego.”
Albert shook his head. “Miss Rollo, confidence is born from..”
Just then, Ronny Talbot, the delivery driver, angrily leaned across the counter and spat “ Stupid trashy. not classy girls like bad boys. So that leaves us nice guys to meet nice women. Unlike you.” He said with a sneer, “My ex-wife used to date Bad Boys and she said at the time she had low self-esteem. So girls with low self-esteem go for bad boys. Girls wanting something out of life go for the nice guys who work for a living and don’t beat them and don’t cheat on them!!
Marilyns jaw dropped and Albert noticed that lovely shade of blush across her cleavage that indicated shock and anger. Albert stood and looked harshly at Ronny “Now, see here Ronny. Your single experience does not have a direct..”
He was interrupted again. This time by an irate Bonnie. “ Wow you’re a dick. Ronny!”
“Ronny, Ronny. You aren’t getting any points insulting people just because your panties are in a knot. And you don’t seem like such a nice guy after the dozens of lewd comments you’ve made on my figure! How does your wife feel about that, Mr. Married?” An incensed Marilyn stated firmly.
A disgusted Bonnie shouted “Ew, so Bobby you’re a jerk to girls you dont know, and those you do!”
The office accountant, Don Sherwood, added “Quite the charming fellow,”
“He must be wearing a g string that’s too small ‘n up his bum.” Laughed Sherry Farrer, the British liason to Albert’s office.
Albert looked sternly around the office and began “Ladies and gentlemen, I believe this conversation is getting..” But was drowned out by Hank.
“Well ladies.. If dudes are turning into wussified man vajayjays. Blame all the feminist Nazis for making it impossible for a Man to be a man.
You cannot have a society saying that manly behavior and chivalry are sexist and demeaning to a female or woman and then complain the guy is too damn nice! Just saying and no I’m not going to argue with you ladies about this. I’m just trying to point it out.”
Hank turned to leave then spun around “Oh and granted.. Most dudes today are total tampon holders.
I think the government should issue them purses to avoid confusion.”
Marilyns musical voice replied in knowing tones “Most of these tampon holders think the masculine men who turn us on are toxic! Not our problem. We know what we like.”
Hank answered “Well, it’s genetic survival to get your seed fertilized by the strong one. It’s evolution.”
Abert rolled his eyes before saying “Hank, thats a myth. Anthroplogy proved long ago that…”
Mike Guest’s booming baritone drown out everyone else. “As a former ‘Nice guy” he proclaimed, “I whole heartedly endorse this post. It’s not enough to just NOT be an asshole. You gotta also know how to make a woman go Gaga and make her eyes light up and her knees weak. Expecting her to fall all over you just because you acknowledged her existence is naive at best.”
Albert nodded his disheveled mane “Yes, Mike. Quite true. The science of attraction is very…”
Hank high fived Mike loudly “That’s how those Manginas think!”
Mike laughed “If only I knew then what I know now…”
Not to be outdone, Ronny Talbot shouted at Marilyn “Well then, dont whine when that piece of shit bad boy beats you, cheats on you, doesn’t work, goes to prison and leaves you with no hope for a future. Also don’t put a restraining order on him when he threatens your life, remember you asked for this kind of life. Good luck trash lady!”
Marilyn roared in laughter “ Just because he’s not a tampon means he’s going to beat you?”
Mike Guest belted out sarcastically “And I’m sure a girl is going to be satisfied going through life being with a dull, boring guy just because he doesn’t treat her like complete shit. Yeah, every woman deserves that.”
Lucy New, the office file clerk and resident college student added “This is the perfect example of how “nice guys” are actually hateful, bitter, and adolescent.”
Hank asked “Damn Ronny .. A little angry about something?”
“He’s new here.” Marilyn answered.
Well, Hank. You might say that I’m recently divorced and am sick of men being men nice or bad gets you in trouble some way these days. I’m old school and a man that can be both nice and bad, but todays young men are pansies. That’s what society has made of them.”
“We are sorry you are divorced. Don’t take it out on us. Read up, enjoy the show a while and you will find that the people here are some of the best you will ever find. Don’t get thrown out before you realize what a wealth of information and support you have accidentally encountered here.” Marilyn suggested.
Hank added “He’ll eventually not be pissed. Hell I’m divorced since ‘96’.”
“I know! Right!? We’ve all been there. We’ve all been pissed! Take it out at the gym or take it out on people who actually fucking did you wrong. Don’t take it out on my friends on a post. Bye Felicia” Said Marilyn.
Rob Straw, from the deli nest door added “ Dude is more than a lil angry, I’ve hear most of this, and I think guys like him really need to take a hard look at themselves, and relax. Life will be so much easier. Because he had some bad experiences he’s Mr nice guy, and women who want someone with a little substance are “trashy”? Come on man, get over yourself.”
Suzy from the secretarial pool had been silent but decided to add “Maybe is a snowflake?”
Filo Orion, the project manager threw out “I think the fact that “nerds” in high school used to complain about the “jocks” getting all the girls, but never making the logical next step to hit the gym themselves is one of the unexplained blunders of so-called ‘smart’ kids.’
Albert leaned in, saying “ Being intelligent has no bearing on physical…” Before Marilyns lyrical laugh made him stand erect again as she stated “Yes! Women are also like, omg all the women with their cleavage showing get all the attention! Girl, shut up and show some cleavage maybe?” Pulling her shoulders back to provide a perfect example.
Ronny wouldn’t quit, “When smart kids make it in society then there are plenty of women, classy women, that are happy to be with them and have a future in their life. Sex isn’t everything ladies get real. Marilyn, there’s nothing wrong with a little cleavage. Oh! But us guys can’t say that anymore in public they made us pansies because we have to be politically correct.”
Marilyn snorted, not an ugly pig snort, but her cute as a button girly snort, “Not my problem. You need to be a little more classy in my office if you want to stick around tho. We are real here but if you want to be an ass to my friends, you’re going to get dismissed. We are not feminists but we we are not doormats either!”
“Hit the gym, Ronny!” Teased Filo.
Ronny snarled back “ Filo, you a girl or guy. I can’t tell from your hair. You look like one of those nerdy hippies back in the early seventies so I think you’re talking about yourself.”
A shocked Marilyn said “Ronny! You just lost your man card if you ever had one. See ya.”
“You start a conversation like this and you say you’re classy? Well shit, you don’t have to dismiss me I’ll dismiss myself from you and all your dumbass friends!” Shouted Ronny angrily.
“Buh bye!” Replied Marilyn.
Filo rolled in laughter “You can’t fire me! I quit!!!” classic!”
Marilyn laughed also as the door slammed “Yep, he’s gone”
Filo shook his head “Just because I criticize them for one thing, it does not mean I hate “nerdy hippies”. That phrase was supposed to insult me? I actually take that as a compliment, I am kind of happy that I was born in those times. I was just thinking that a little weight-lifting would not have stood in our nerdy ways back in the 1980s. But those AD&D sessions we had? Never would want to miss them at all.”
Rob Straw chuckled “Yep, that guy has some issues. Good luck to him.”
Albert was mystified at how the argument had escalated. Even if the original premise had held two contradictory concepts there was nothing in it to cause such distress. He was often astounded by peoples reactions to simple ideas though.
“Lets all just get back to…”
Jimmy Prince stood up from were he had been repairiing the mimeograph “ My wife calls me an asshole from time to time, and I can’t really deny that I can occasionally be that way.I make up for it in other ways, evidently…” He said with a smirk.
“We are ALL assholes from time to time. What makes you a man is that A. You admit it and B. You take care of her. ‘Nice guys’ blame womankind, whine, and denigrate anyone who doesn’t join them in the RedPill cesspool.” Lana New stated with uncommon certainty.
“I don’t think that’s what those terms…” Albert tried to explain before Monte Marillo, the maintenance man, put in his opinion. “And a woman is stupid for going for someone who would beat her. Works both ways.”
Lana was having none of that “So the two choice are a guy who uses niceness to “entitle” him to women or a guy who beats her. Got it. I’ll inform my sweet, sexy, manly, kind, loving husband.”
“So that’s why I always get the girl of my choice…” Chuck Menter, added with a wink toward Marilyn.
“Aren’t you supposed to be fixing the door? Albert mused.
Sherry Farr, who seemed to get the door stuck often, said in a sultry voice “Aww ur a gem Charles!!! Got any friends like you out there?”
Rob Straw said “Guys, being a bad boy doesn’t always mean you’re a woman beater, or on your way to jail..lol..geez. You can be a nice guy, and also be that bad boy she needs as well”
Marilyn replied, excitedly blowing a kiss “YOU WOULD KNOW !”
Don Sherwood said with finality “He doesn’t always have to be “bad” as much as he needs some of the more important alpha males traits. Nice guys can have those too. I’ve never been a so called bad boy, but being able to keep a bad boy at bay attracts just as much female attention.”
Marilyn, still eyeballing Rob said “Yes, I agree.”
“Hello Mr. Caveman, you are complaining the chief’s daughter is not marrying you?” “Well, yes, she hangs out with all those no-good warriors and never pays me any attention!” Well, it says here on our stone tables you lost two village populations to an enemy tribe and a hunting expedition to lions” “Yes, but I was always a nice guy to everyone!” Joked Filo, eliciting a round of mirth from the office.
Jay Sonnet, a bitter security guard with a snarky streak chimed in with a surly tone “What a coincidence that just the other day I told my daughter to go out into the world and find a man who will treat her like shit. I told her she would be most happy with one that cheats, talks down to, and is controlling. I even said if she finds a physical abuser that she should marry right away. Feel free to tell your daughter the same.”
Rod Demore, the janitor added “ Women always complaining about the bad boys who ultimately did nothing for them are equally cringey amirite?”
Marilyn considered it before replying “ If it was obvious from the start. I always have some sympathy for people who get blindsided by total sociopaths who are slick and great manipulators. Those are hard for everyone. But if the guy says he doesn’t want a relationship from the beginning and she just hopes to change him then yes, that’s cringey.”
Albert cocked an eyebrow “Marilyn, that seems to let women off the hook for repeated…”
“You have to go into things with a little trust, but if you completely ignore all the signs over and over and continue to complain it’s cringey, man or woman.” Marilyn said.
Ernis Hillman, the local newsman doing a story on the office decided to jin in with “The feminist version of this rant typically annoys me because of its duplicity and hypocrisy. At least you are straight up. Sometimes you meet a guy who even the feminist version isn’t harsh enough for some.”
Marilyn giggled and said “We compete for resources and sex. If he’s giving away the resources we want to be first in line.”
“Albert addressed the comment “That is quite a leap from finding the men unpalatable to taking…”
Drew Nowen, a law clerk told the group “There is another option. Men can simply quit caring about impressing or attracting women and just go about our business.”
Marilyn said “That’s sexy! I’ve said before that women hate men that pay too much attention.”
Joe Morton, a passerby who had sought shelter from the rain stepped in with “That’s been my philosophy since I broke up with my high-school girlfriend at age 17 and grew wiser to the world. Of course, I’ve been single 95% of the time since then, but that’s fine by me, given that I’ve avoided a lot of the life catastrophes that befell many of my friends.”
Carol Zusker, the building health monitor chimed in “Men need to understand and accept that we as women are drawn to dominant men and that’s not going to change. So either work with and become what she desires, or realize that you will be friend zoned until the end of time.”
Albert was incredulous. It was time to end this and get back to work. This chaos had started with a contradiction and now would end on one.
“The patent office is now closed for lunch.” He said, bewildered.
Marilyn and Albert at the Office. KZH 2018