Breaking: Robert Mueller Undergoes Emergency Back Surgery Due to the Weight of the World (satire)

Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller was rushed to George Washington University Hospital in Washington, DC Tuesday night after he was rendered incapacitated due to back pain.

“He couldn’t move. It was like he was pinned onto the floor by some massive object,” said a source close to him. “Every time he tried to get up he buckled in agony.”

Mueller, the man charged with unraveling the tangled web of Russian interference in the 2016 Presidential election, was reportedly in perfect health prior to being appointed Special Prosecutor in May of this year.

“He started wincing in anguish almost immediately after receiving the assignment,” said his wife, Ann. “He’s very stoic but I couldn’t help but notice him limping. I became quite worried a few weeks ago when he started to walk at a 90-degree angle. He got a concussion when he slammed head first into a wall…he couldn’t even lift his gaze to see where he was walking.”

Close associates have disclosed that, due to the overwhelming pain, Mueller has even begun utilizing motorized carts at the grocery store, only takes the elevator due to chest pains and regularly complains that he cannot breathe. “We keep an oxygen supply on hand at all times,” said an aide at the FBI. “His lungs are being crushed by something very large.”

Despite the seemingly dire situation, Mueller’s doctors are optimistic that he will enjoy a full recovery. “We are reinforcing each and every bone in his body with platinum and titanium. His entire back will be a plate of 4-inch thick steel. It is a lengthy, painstaking, experimental surgery but we understand that its failure would represent certain death for all of humanity, and I would prefer that did not happen. This will work,” asserted Orthopedic Surgeon Dr. Ahmed Patel.

When pressed about the reason Mueller’s health took such a sudden turn for the worse, Dr. Patel replied, “planet earth weighs 6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kilograms. The human spine is simply not built to bear that kind of weight. Even Atlas shrugged.”