Spirits in a Material World
If it’s something we can’t buy
There must be another way
Growing up, our self-worth is determined by how others perceive us. It’s how we develop as human beings. Somewhere around mid-life, this begins to change. We become mildly anti-social. We gradually start turning down invites for the quiet nights at home. Long baths become solitary oasis. We’re often in our jammies by 7pm. Okay, the last one is me.
This desire to turn inward is normal. It’s a natural deepening that results from knowing what matters most. If we’ve lived moderately decent lives, by mid-life we have less to prove and more freedom to choose what feels honest and true.
As we make our way on this journey, it’s important to carve time into our lives to reflect on deeper questions about who we are, where we are, and how it all fits into our personal narrative. It is a powerful experience that requires slowing down and witness ourselves.
All the World’s a Stage
The ego will protest. It will judge these quiet moments as a problem to be solved. You see, the ego is an actor by trade. It wants nothing more than a narrowly defined role and a spotlight. One of the reasons aging is terrifying to some is that it strips away our identity. The costumes no longer fit, leaving us vulnerable and exposed.
It would be a tragedy to reach the end of life wishing to be the person you were all along. This is why midlife is a defining moment. It’s an opportunity to get acquainted with who we really are, sans script. Do we listen to the ego or make way for something else? Midlife is a chance to happily discard the faded cloak and don new apparel.
This is not for the faint of heart. It can be a lonely path, at times. This is where community is indispensable. When choosing the less beaten road, it is comforting to have fellow journeyers to light the way when the ego wants to stray.
Our culture has an ugly bias against aging, but there is wisdom to be gained by listening to those who have walked this path before us. Don’t take my word for it. Take the words of 85 year-old Nadine Stair:
If I had my life to live over, I’d like to make more mistakes next time. I’d relax. I’d limber up…I would take few things seriously and I’d take more chances. I would perhaps have more troubles, but I’d fewer imaginary ones….Oh, I’ve had my moments and if I had it to do over again I’d more of them. In fact I’d try to have nothing else — just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day…If I had my life to live over again I’d start barefoot early in the spring, stay that way later in the fall…I would live each moment more.
As our roles fall away, there is a shift away from ambition toward connections of the heart. We may be as productive as ever, but the motivation is different. Liberated from the pressure to hustle for our worth, we can drop the masks of our persona which allows our spirit to shine.
Fueled by this wisdom, we find ourselves free to live more creatively and boldly. From the quiet spaciousness of being fully awake, we can love without expectations, literally “be love” incarnate.
Kerry Ogden, MA, LPC is a psychotherapist in private practice. She lives in sunny Portland, Oregon with her husband, son and two cats. One of which thinks it’s a dog.
