Medium, trust me. We’re fine.
It’s not you, it’s me.
In the beginning, when our relationship was shiny and new, we spent all our time together. I shared some of my darkest thoughts and deepest secrets and you never judged me. As our relationship continued to grow, so did my followers. I watched, amazed, as the numbers continued to rise. I wondered if it was because of you or me?
I never shared with social media the things I’ve shared with you. In fact, I’ve never shared them anywhere. No one I know even knows you and I are friends. It’s not that I’m ashamed of you or our relationship per say. . . I don’t even know why, but I’d like to keep it that way. Anyway, whether it’s because of you and your reputation or me and my writing, I’m proud of the number of followers I have. Never in a million years did I imagine so many people would be interested in what I have to say.
That’s the problem.
Every time I start to tell you something new, I’m keenly aware of how many others might read it. While I’ve never been shy and have even been accused of giving out too much personal information, for some reason the thought of so many people reading what I write gives me anxiety. At least, I think that’s where the anxiety comes from, but I’m not entirely sure.
I may have convinced myself I won’t be able to sleep. Whether it be to take a brief nap or to go to bed at night, that seems to be when the anxiety is the worst. It doesn’t matter how tired I am or what else is going on. As soon as my head touches the pillow, my brain instantly fires up with a million things that I can’t wait to tell you. Often, I lay there for hours writing stories and sharing secrets with you in my head while listening to my husband’s gentle breathing before finally falling asleep.
Oh, I know what you’re going to say. You’re going to tell me to write down my stories before I go to bed, then my head will be empty of all those secrets and I’ll be able to sleep. I’ve tried that, and it didn’t work. Next, you’re going to tell me that if I’m already laying there for hours, I might as well get up and write. I’ve tried that before too, and it has the opposite effect. Instead of writing for an hour or two until I get tired enough to fall asleep, I end up staying awake all night.
Don’t you remember when we first met and I used to stay up for days? I suffered from severe insomnia and would stay awake for three or four days at a time only to sleep for eight hours before repeating the cycle all over again. I finally managed to get my sleeping regulated with the help of Xanax. Even that isn’t helping anymore. Now, I refuse to get out of bed because I’m afraid of starting the insomnia cycle again. I’d rather lay in bed for an hour or two waiting for sleep to pull me under than experience that nightmare again.
I hope this helps you understand what I’ve been going through. The last thing I want is for you to think I’ve been holding back. I’m just as committed to this relationship as I ever was, if not more so. I just wish I didn’t have so much anxiety tying me up in knots.
You are constantly on my mind. Even when I’m not actively thinking about what to tell you next, there’s always that small part of me watching and listening for the next thing to share with you. My ideas almost always come from whatever I’m currently experiencing and feeling or from my past memories. I still have so many secrets to share with you!
Who knows? Maybe opening up and expressing myself this way will help with the anxiety.
That’s what I’m counting on.
THANK YOU for taking the time to read my words.
If you would like to leave a response, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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