THE ANGER ICEBERG, FORGIVENESS & THE HUMAN CONNECTION
I write to let go of the incident & hoping we all can reflect on what makes us human ………& the respect we can accord each other as we connect with each other however briefly.
I am a 58 year old citizen of Singapore. A week ago, I faced a physical assault from an unknown domestic worker, someone I had never met before nor interacted with. I was assaulted in a place one would view as a safe space — at the minimart of my condo a little before 7 pm.
My left arm has been injured as the MDW pushed her filled grocery basket against it in rage to push me out of the queue; as she expressed it was her right to have reserved her place with the same while she went to get something she had forgotten to buy. In other words she felt I had no right to have stood before her basket & taken her place in the queue. My arm is still injured a week after the incident. The security officers of my condo took their time to arrive. A replacement security officer arrived who didn’t really know what to do. I received medical attention that night at the emergency unit of a hospital with my arm put on a sling & medication provided. Xray ruled out a fracture thankfully. I lodged a police report as well the same night. I returned home past midnight.
The next day when I approached the helper as she sat on a swing in my condo, with my arm on a sling, to see if she was sorry — instead she told me, “You are in my personal space.” Given below is my journey on the path to forgiveness.
- Awareness
I needed to check in with myself. To be aware of how the harm inflicted has affected me.
How has this person made me feel? I felt helpless on being hurt in what was my own condo. I could not use my arm & hand to lift things as I usually do. As a strong independent woman that upset me.
In reflection I skipped acknowledging my pain in the beginning & jumped instinctively towards making allowances to forgive her. I had to come back to acknowledge my pain. Only then could I truly accept & forgive.
2. Anger
I needed to say I was angry. I first encountered the sensation of fear, when I visited the minimart a few days later. I have not usually experienced fear in most situations in life. It took me a bit to acknowledge that I was fearful this time. I shared this feeling with my community wellness ambassador team. And they listened quietly and even offered to meet over a coffee. That listening ear (both silent & vocalised) helped perk me up!
I overlay my fear by reminding myself of situations where I had overcome fear. Such as jumping of a plane for sky diving just a few years ago!
This was followed a few days later by the sensation of anger.
The aggressor being a domestic helper, who is considered a vulnerable segment of society, made it difficult for me to acknowledge at first that I was angry. I was also angry that the employer had not reached out to me to apologise and offer to pay for my medical expenses. I also wanted an assurance that my condo management took safety of the residents of the condo seriously.
Once having acknowledged these feelings and having addressed them, I needed to ensure I didn’t get caught in these emotions for long.
I had to find a way to come back to myself after a time of feeling whatever I needed to feel.
Having a close friend to vent to as also journalling out my emotions helped.
3. Allowances
In the process to forgiveness, it is vital to understand the reason why someone did something. Only then one can take the next step toward accepting what they did to you.
So let’s put ourselves in the shoes of the MDW who attacked me.
Trigger: Someone has taken my place
Feelings: possibly “I have been disrespected because I am a MDW ” leading to stating “I know my rights” . Repeated feelings — “You are in my personal space”: entitled attitude or repressed emotions of not having own space?
Manifested Response: At minimart: Anger with a physical assault with no thought of the consequences. Hence not in control of emotions.
They say anger is a secondary emotion (tip of the iceberg) & hides 90% of the rest of the iceberg below of pent up emotions. The assault was not personal as the helper did not know me. The trigger did not justify the extent of anger followed by physical assault.
4. Augmentation
What do I feel needs to happen in order for me to forgive the other person and how can we continue to move forward in the future?
So let’s dig into that 90% of the iceberg.
It’s a well-known fact that there is a power imbalance in the equation between Maids (MDWs) or Helpers and Employers in Singapore.
Much has been written & researched on this topic. Today the helpers have recourse to the Police, Ministry of Manpower, & various NGO’s that they can approach for help. Which is a must. They should be made aware of their rights. And many are and many still aren’t.
https://www.todayonline.com/big-read/big-read-stop-maid-abuse-stop-power-imbalance
But what happens when there is pent up anger that manifests as physical violence?
How is society addressing the mental wellness aspects of helpers in Singapore.
Is society in Singapore prepared to deal with this complex aspect?
The helper has her rights. She can call the Police if she is abused.
Am I as a Citizen of Singapore also safe?
I recognise I am a privileged member of society — but at the same time do I have access to the same rights of protection against assault as do the MDWs?
The employer concerned has not taken my calls. The management of my condo reverted that they will not intervene as they say its a police case. The police have spoken to the employer.
To me that leaves the underlying issue of pent up anger & the MDW’s mental wellness being left unaddressed.
All PARTIES involved are PEOPLE, the MDW, myself & the employer — with unresolved conflict as of now. The employers are a working couple & the helper takes care of their child. They are possibly extremely dependent on the helper while they focus on their own careers. The employers however have a responsibility — NOT just to themselves & their child. They are responsible for the helper’s interactions with society such that she does not harm anyone else. And for the MDW’s mental health.
If the employer had spoken with me we could have possibly addressed this together. Understanding what took place, the employer then could get the MDW the help she needs in addressing the issues underlying her anger. If the employer could have told me, that she & her helper were sorry for hurting me, & I could tell her that I forgive her helper — which message could be passed on to the helper; So we then resolve the conflict and all move on.
Separately, the question remains — would the employer have been equally “forgiving” of the helper’s behaviour, if the helper had attacked her or someone in her family instead of a stranger living in the same condo ?
What will happen if this pent up anger is allowed to balloon & go unaddressed? I am reminded of the Indian movie “Albert Pinto Ko Gussa Kyon Ata Hai”(Why does Albert Pinto get angry) : about the life of the Indian lower middle class of the late 70s. The angst that gets manifested as anger, & the underlying issues underlying the anger are portrayed in a poignant manner.
Suppressed anger will erupt as it did in this case: https://sg.news.yahoo.com/jailed-indonesian-domestic-helper-punched-033208479.html. As it did with me — by an unknown helper — where I became her punching bag for her pent up emotions.
Families in Singapore are allowed 2 domestic helpers if they meet certain criteria –
You or your spouse is at least 60 years old.
- You have at least 2 children below 18 years old and living with you.
- You have a parent or parent-in-law who is at least 60 years old and living with you.
Ministry of Manpower also takes into consideration the financial ability to hire, maintain and upkeep the helpers in an acceptable accommodation.
As of June 2023, there are 276,600 MDW’s working on a work permit in Singapore (12.3% increase from Dec 2021. They represent 4.67% of Singapore’s total population that stood at 5.92 million as at June 2023.
With 1.4 million households, roughly every one in six resident households has a helper. (Ref: https://www.sutd.edu.sg/About/happenings/News/2023/7/Can-we-rely-on-foreign-maids-alone-for-eldercare)
To quote our PM Lee Hsien Loong:
“Our population is not just ageing, but ageing rapidly. In 2010, about 1 in 10 Singaporeans were aged 65 and above. A decade later, in 2020, it has risen to about 1 in 6. By 2030, another 10 years later, it would be almost 1 in 4 Singaporeans over 65.”
“And as a society, we must strengthen the culture of respect towards seniors — show that we understand and value one another, and avoid thinking in stereotypes that are hurtful and self-limiting. “ (Ref: https://www.pmo.gov.sg/Newsroom/PM-Lee-Hsien-Loong-at-the-Singapore-Ageing-Issues-and-Challenges-Ahead-Book-Launch#:~:text=Our%20population%20is%20not%20just,in%204%20Singaporeans%20over%2065.)
Some further thoughts from my end:
- We need to ensure we are creating an atmosphere where the soft aspects of life are not neglected. On us reflecting on what makes us human — In the chase for a better life and pursuit of careers we don’t lose that. We need to be concerned about the welfare of others in society too. The employers not reaching out to me & only protecting their own needs is a concerning aspect of the wellness of society at large. We need to resolve conflict & address issues as a community looking out for each other’s wellbeing.
- Law & Order in Singapore, while accounting for the dismal human rights record wrt MDWs, the law has to be fair to all. Both MDW’s & others.
- As employers we need to reflect on how we are treating MDW’s — allow them space to address their emotions so they don’t remain pent up. That they feel respected as human beings.
- Have more options of part time helpers who can go to their own homes at the end of the day so that they have their own personal space.
-We cannot always depend on maids and will need innovative eldercare options, within the legal framework of Singapore.
5. Acceptance
I have written to MOM to see if they can do more towards educating helpers on both their rights & responsibilities. As also on them getting the help for anger management. I have requested my Council to review the incident at their end to see what else can be done towards ensuring there are no such future recurrences. I will smile if someone comes back to their grocery basket, no matter how much time they have taken & how angry their tone is & tells me I have taken their place. I hope that smile puts the required pause between their internal emotions & their next response.
I need to now forgive the MDW in my heart & pray & hope she will not manifest her anger against someone else.
Finally, we each need to learn to let go of our anger by first recognising when we internally are not at peace, then becoming aware of what is disturbing that peace, and then doing what is needed to get us back into equilibrium. I was upset that I had been physically hurt by someone. In my own condo. I felt helpless & angry. So I meditated, I went for walks in nature, I spoke to my son (who is very spiritual) & a trusted friend; I spoke to my trusted GP when I went for a review of my arm, I exercised to let off steam and finally I journaled the incident. To let go of the hurt — completely.
Only then, we as a society of people can heal.
#ConversationsOnHumanEquity #Rights vs Anger Vs #Humanity Vs #Kindness & Compassion vs Safety #MentalWellness of Migrant Domestic Workers (MDW) #Forgiveness
References:
2.https://www.mom.gov.sg/documents-and-publications/foreign-workforce-numbers
5. https://www.stonebriarca.com/the-path-to-forgiveness-in-five-steps/
