I haven’t dated in awhile and to be frank I was most certainly not ready for yesterday. Yet, despite all rationale I went on a date yesterday.
The date was alright. I spent my Sunday in San Francisco with a cute girl I met on a camping trip the weekend before. In spite of lavishly throwing money for lunch and dinner, I felt a familiar feeling lurking over my shoulders ominously. I wasn’t able to pinpoint it until the awkward hug at the end, until it dawned upon me. Emptiness.
It’s hard to put together words to describe the gaping hole but it isn’t simply that I long to be with a significant other or to hang with friends. More of a fundamental issue that has been nagging me ever since the beginning of middle school. Somehow in some capacity, it’s a feeling that I’m really doing myself a disservice for not utilizing and maximizing myself fully. That emotionally and intellectually I am undermining and depriving myself from the adventures and excitement that life has to offer.
I want to write more, read more, study philosophy and formulate meanings and opinions that I’m confident in. I want to engage in deeper and more meaningful conversations that make people’s gears work and that are fulfilling for both parties.
Externally, it seems that I have a lot going for me. I’m headed to Oxford to pursue a Master’s, I work full-time as a Software Engineer, live in the San Francisco Bay Area, and in my early 20s. Yet, I feel so empty emotionally and intellectually.
Internally, I know that I’m not a mess, but an insipid caricature of my external self. Empty, plain, and not very interesting.