I Love My Alma Mater And I’m Not Saying That Because I Dropped $87K There.

You might think I’m conditioned to salivate when someone mentions my alma mater because I rationalized the ungodly amount of money I dropped on my education by convincing myself how unique and worthwhile my college experience was. Far from it. There’s just so much to love:

The Education

There are things in life that money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s Master Card. Education is one of those everything else things. I mean for only $17,600 a semester you get everything you need to get educated. Excluding text-books.

The Sports

Get this: We have sports teams that play other sports teams. Every other week, I attended one of the games. The whole stadium was decked out in our team’s color: checking-account-balance-red. Good times. The athletes take phony classes and get a free ride for the time they’re here. And when they graduate, they’ll make more money than half of my class combined. Life isn’t fair. Just one of the many lessons I learned at my alma mater.
For free! GO, TEAM!!!

The Parties

Boy, do we know how to party at my alma mater. I’m telling you. It’s not that passing out kept us from lying awake at night, painting pictures of our financial future in our heads, so dark they’d make Goya’s art look like motivational posters. Hell no. Partying hard is just so us. Those parties alone were worth every penny (8 million in total).

The People

A computer made us roommates, but our shared love for Rick and Morty made us soulmates. John is just one of those middle-class white dudes you won’t meet anywhere else in the world. And no, we didn’t click because seeing someone like-minded dig his financial grave right next to mine,
put me at ease with my own decision-making. That’s ridiculous.
It’s true friendship, and you can’t put a $87,786.32 price tag on that.

The School Spirit

I don’t know about your alma mater, but at mine, we are very proud of who we are. The store on campus that sells sweaters, mugs, and a Golf Divot Tool Bottle Opener, is way bigger than the section in the library with the financial advice books. For every book that guides you out of the crippling debt you have accumulated over the past four years, there are ten different bumper stickers. I have seven on my 98’ Honda Accord. Not because they keep the car from falling apart, I just love my alma mater that much.

The Diversity

Diversity is everything at my alma mater. Don’t believe me? Visit our website and you can see all sorts of people coexisting on a lawn. A lot of other universities have copied this picture, but you can tell ours is the original because people wear our gear. Anyways, the great diversity at my alma mater saved me a lot of money that I would’ve spent on a backpacking trip through Europe. I might still go, but only to have my organs harvested.
Not the vital ones, of course, just the excess. And only if the price is right.

The Network

After graduating, it’s time to put that degree to use and find a meaningful, fulfilling job that pays enough money for you to keep hovering above that poverty line. Thank God our alumni look out for each other. Getting a job after college was way easy. But as much as I love working retail, I love my alma mater even more, so I’ll probably go back and get my master’s degree.

What I’m saying is: my alma mater is the best and I love thinking back to the time I had there. So much so that I delay student loan payments, just so
I can have more frequent reminders.