Trying to deal with grief through adventure
The loss of a loved one is not something one ever gets over. Especially not for someone as close as a wife and mother. More especially not someone we were meant to share lifetimes of adventure with. When we lost Carolina the boys and I knew it would be hard because of how much we loved each other as a family — but “hard” is beyond an understatement.
As we dragged ourselves through the funeral and memorial, and then embarked on the important European “pilgrimage”, we knew that we’d have to get back into work and school at some point. Of course that’s then when the grief really sets in, and in the first months of 2023 the effects steadily became visible in each of our lives in different ways — whether related to appetite loss, sleep disruptions, behavior, motivation, etc. To try to help the boys deal with the overwhelming sadness I decided to have a small road trip during their school holidays, both to give us plenty of time to talk through everything together but also to share with them some of the adventures that Carolina and I had had before they were born (and of course to have inevitable new adventures as well).
In all honesty I’ve lost any urge to write but I know I should document this trip somehow (both for the boys and to save time/energy when people ask) so here it is in a very quick-and-dirty mainly pictures format…
(I should also just note that this trip was preceded by another very successful “kids-in-charge” experiment where our house was completely handed over to 6 kids (the boys each invited two from their class) for three days where they had to completely take care of themselves including grocery shopping, food, sleeping arrangements, entertainment (without screens), conflicts, etc. while I was just a silent observer, only intervening to subtly prevent accidents e.g. handling boiling water etc.). It was a huge deal — quite a different kind of adventure — and everyone loved it!
We set off at 4am on a Thursday. The boys love being carried into the car for a road trip while half asleep. Our mission was to get to Lesotho by nightfall.
We got to Maseru that first evening, crossing the border late afternoon into the boys’ first African country outside of Mzansi. They were tasked to find us accommodation and so they used the relevant apps on my phone to find and book a place to stay in Maseru — they were very pleased with themselves and I was super proud.
An interesting lesson: I’ve traveled enough to know standards of accommodation and service, and even though this was not quite up there and there was plenty to complain about, I just kept quiet and let them judge it for themselves. And they thought it was the best place ever! (We should be careful not to impose our own biases onto our kids. Left free they can find joy and pleasure, and good, in anything. And to be completely honest, Carolina and I always had the same attitude on our travels as the kids here and we would never have complained about shortcomings of a place but rather celebrated the cool parts).
We spent the day driving through Lesotho, stopping for spectacular mountain views and to buy delicious fruit from the side of the road. Along the winding mountain passes (which were so beautiful and epic that it had brought Carolina to tears when she and I were here many years ago) we spoke about our shared sadness and its consequences on our actions, and how we could possibly find a way to deal with it, both individually and together. We ended up in Mokhotlong at a place Carolina and I had stayed before when we had done a similar trip together.
Here we met an amazing group of young individuals, just radiating love and kindness. The boys got on so well with them (they were closer in age to the boys than to me) that we ended up spending the evening together and then doing part of the trip the next day in mixed convoy.
It was incredible to see how much the boys shone and how happy it made them to make these new friends. I’m extremely grateful for this chance encounter with this wonderful group that lifted all our spirits after some pretty heavy yet important conversations. And of course we had to have some super special moments of wonder like just after we had taken a dip in a waterfall one of our new friends got a butterfly to land on her hand — something Carolina had done with me on one of our first road trips together, totally blowing my mind — and then she was actually able to transfer it to the boys!
She also helped Cyprian catch his first frog…
After a teary goodbye to our new friends (humans are indeed fully capable of developing deep relationships in a super short time when we are open to it) we set off in mist and rain for the biggest adventure of the trip… Sani Pass!
Those who know Sani pass (or if you Google it) may be as surprised as the border control official to know that we managed to do it in our good old VW Polo. This border pass between Lesotho and South Africa is usually for 4x4 vehicles only. You are strictly not allowed to go up from the South Africa side without 4 wheel drive. However, things are more relaxed coming down from the Lesotho side. Carolina and I had done this in our tiny Opel Corsa bakkie and it was one of the highlights of all our road trip adventures. So I knew it was possible in an ordinary (non 4x4) vehicle. I also took some precautions and had chatted with some of the tour operators to make sure of the road conditions (I also took the phone number of some other 4x4 drivers just in case) plus we had rope, tyre repair kit, machete, etc. (the latter almost got us in trouble at a police stop earlier).
It was pretty extreme driving by any standard, but an awesome adventure, with the boys jumping out to move boulders from the road and helping to navigate our way through water etc, and with me reminding them all the way how much Carolina had absolutely loved this same experience.
It was just the right mix of fear, anxiety, adrenaline and excitement to leave us all on an absolute high after having pulled it off — together as a team!
We arrived at the grandparents in Tongaat that evening and had a huge family gathering the next day in Stanger (Kwadukuza) — it was the first time we had visited the big KZN family since Carolina’s passing. Lots of emotion, lots of food, lots of presents —above all, an important opportunity to reconnect with the family after an unimaginably tragic loss.
After a day of rest and chilling at the grandparents’ we all left for Cape Town in a very full car (my parents were coming back with us) and with more adventures to come… after dealing with the first “breakdown” with the Polo. It seemed that the fuel guage had stopped working after the last service so even though it showed that we had plenty of fuel remaining, we completely ran out! (I should note that running out of fuel is the ultimate embarrassment for a driver as experienced as I am). Luckily I knew the car well enough to correctly diagnose the issue and my long unused AA membership finally came in handy — we called for roadside assistance and were back on the road within the hour. Of course I made use of the opportunity to get the boys to have a new experience pushing the car to a nearby intersection to get off the main road (they were exhausted and moaned a bit but were also pleasantly surprised that they were strong enough to actually push it themselves)…
For that evening we came across an interesting accommodation in Colchester where we could stay on a house boat (benefits of browsing Google maps to find places to stay). They also offered sandboarding among some amazing dunes nearby. So just like that, we suddenly and serendipitously had another set of firsts to experience…
The next day we traversed Addo Elephant Park on the way to our next destination. Carolina and I had done Addo many times, starting with our first road trip together and most recently with the boys. Among all the animals one can see in South Africa, elephants were probably one of our favourites (with dung beetles up there as well), and Addo did not disappoint…
We arrived that evening at a self-catering spot my mum had found in Sedgefield which was a haven for kids — jungle gym, mini golf, playstation, pool table, foosball, etc. The boys had a blast and we decided to let them just be free to relax and play the whole of the next day, which they loved.
The day after we set off to the famous Cango Caves. My parents took the more chilled Heritage Tour while the boys and I went on the Adventure Tour (one that Carolina and I had done, and she had thoroughly enjoyed, before they were born). Although there were some nervous moments inside, the boys completely loved it and now I’m tasked with finding places we can go “caving”…
We arrived back home around sunset that same day, met by an excited and confused Berlioz, who was well looked after by my cousin while we were away. It was an epic adventure with many deep and meaningful conversations and experiences. I would like to believe that it was a successful experiment — using adventure to try to deal with the grief — and I’d probably recommend it to those dealing with loss. It was certainly an excellent distraction from everyday reality — the reality that she wouldn’t be there to come home to. But apart from a distraction I hope that it helps the boys along their journey of learning to live with the sadness. Because we’ve accepted that the sadness never leaves us — we just have to learn how to still live reasonably well in spite of it.
And so after all these adventures, coming home was thus appropriately rough — it’s thoroughly heart-wrenching not to have Carolina in the bed next to me right now to share these stories with. But that’s life now, and we have no choice but to live it, with all the ups and downs that come with it…
(and as I prepare to post this from a bed that’s far too empty I’m reminded of a recent dream — one of several where Carolina is with us as normal, and then the shock and despair of her loss return as I slowly awaken — and in that dream, just as I started to realise that it was a dream, she told me that I should just post things online because that’s where she will see it from wherever she is… a rather romantic, appropriate, yet painful trick of the mind…)
