Trump Confuses Kaine with Everything that Sounds Like Kaine

“[Hillary’s] running mate, Tim Kaine,” Trump began at a press conference in Miami, “did a terrible job in New Jersey.”

“Tim Kaine,” said a hesitant member of the press in the front row, “was the governor of Virginia.”

“He was not very popular in New Jersey, and he still isn’t,” Trump persisted.

“No really,” another reporter interjected, “you’re thinking of former Jersey Governor Tom Kean. Yeah, it’s confusing — his name is pronounced the same as Kaine’s.”

Emboldened and undeterred, Trump continued his barrage of criticism into the night, long after it was clear that he wasn’t talking about the right man.

“He’s an undead servant of the night!” he cried. “Omens of blood portent his coming.”

“Ahem…” said a reporter up front. “That’s a different Kain too. A vampire. From the video game series Legacy of Kain.”

“He killed his brother in cold blood! With a rock!” Trump howled. “And his parents were naked and they just watched!”

“You mean Cane?” asked the press. “Like the biblical Cane? That’s not him either.”

“He’s a rickety old stick, that old men use,” said a squinty-eyed Trump. “But sometimes he just refuses to catch them when they fall!”

“No,” said the press. “No, that cane is actually just an inanimate object.”